Monday, April 27, 2009

When Stating the Obvious is Just Too Much

OK Y'all,
So I thought today's post would be a little something for everyone. I recently saw the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" which was adapted from a book by the same name which was written by a guy who coined the term as a writer for Sex and The City. I thought the movie was pretty good, and honestly I thought it should be a primer for every single girl who enters the dating pool. Instead of sex ed in seventh grade, a completely useless exercise in the futility of making teenagers harness their raging hormones long enough to understand WHY humping your girlfriend's leg is far superior to being an after-school special caveat, they should have "Dating 101"starting in fifth grade. Would have saved The Big E much torment and heartache as a young girl with a yen for wrestlers, I'll tell you that much.
Anyhoosle, I thought I would compose my own list of "signs he's just not that into you" for the gals and "signs she's just not that into you" for the fellas. Some of this comes from personal experience. OK, pretty much all of it comes from personal experience. And I also think that in addition to being "not into" someone, I would add in "signs that his/her interest is fading faster than Bruce Willis' hair line in the 90's" because sometimes you don't get the boom lowered on you until it's a little later in the game. So without further ado...
"Signs that He's Just Not That Into You...or Into You Anymore"
1. When you call or text him, he always returns your call or text when you are unavailable. Trust me girls, a guy is not totally clueless. If he's paying even a little bit of attention, he knows when you're supposed to be around and when you're not. The occasional phone tag is to be expected, no one can get to the phone every single time. But when there's a pattern of, "everytime he calls me back, it's after 11 pm" and your bed time is 10, or "he always texts me when I'm at work" and you don't work at a job where you can talk or text during the day, then I'm sorry sweetie, he's not feeling it. Don't make excuses. He's not so busy that he can't make an effort to reach you when you're available or better yet, lucid. He just doesn't care.
2. His gifts become increasingly practical or unromantic. Now, before you go all batshit on me, guys, let me explain. I know that men are not the best gift pickers sometimes. And I know that a lot of the time, it's because women are not the best hint givers. Ladies, do your boyfriend/husband/whatever a favor and TELL him OUTRIGHT what you want for your birthday/anniversary/christmas. I sent my last boyfriend links to the items I wanted from the Victoria's Secret catalog online, complete with size and color preference. And guess what? I got what I wanted for Christmas. It really is that easy. Guys won't complain, and you'll be glad you told him what to get you instead of suffering through yet another argument as to why he can't read your damn mind. BUT, that said, if he starts out gangbusters and really does a good job and then a year or two in starts getting you gift cards to Best Buy or flip flops as a birthday gift when he used to get you flowers and a trip to New York and Company, something's up. I mean, what smart, fun, attractive girl gets flip flops as a birthday gift when they don't come as a precursor to a package deal to Sandals? One that's on her way out, that's who.
3. He tries to get out and you won't let him. If your boyfriend/husband/whatever starts acting shady, it's completely within your rights to ask him why. I'm not talking about him being a little secretive right around your birthday, because there could be an awesome trip to Sandals and/or a surprise party. I'm talking doesn't call when he says he will, breaks plans or stands you up completely at the last minute, starts hanging out with much younger or completely different people type of stuff. And if you call him on the carpet and he starts spouting off some existential bullshit about having a quarter-life or mid-life or I don't have a life crisis, calmly roll out the rest of that carpet and send him packing right down the middle of it. You, hot mama, don't need to beg, plead, or otherwise humiliate yourself by trying to make him change his mind and want to stay. At best, you're guilting him into staying and prolonging the inevitable kiss off even longer. At worst, you'll move on and be happier without that schmuck in your life. Trust me, it only took The Big E three months of begging, pleading, and humiliation to be strung along and ultimately completely blindsided when the boy she was in love with ended up getting engaged and moving in with another woman, all while telling Big E that he "just needed to figure some things out, but I love you and want to be with you as soon as I do." Hard lesson to learn, yes. One I will have to learn again? HELL NO. If he gets over it and comes crawling back, it's up to you. But I'd think twice before putting myself through THAT again.
4. He only dates you after hours, or at your house. Ladies, this may seem like an obvious one, but if he's taking you to out of the way places at an hour when you should be in bed, there's something up. Same rule applies if he only wants to come over to your place, and you've never ever been to his place, or it was one time on a random week night and he acted nervous. I had a very handsome "friend" who would call me up, usually on a Monday, and want to play "music trivia" at his house at like, 9 o'clock. Alone. Why? because his wife was traveling out of town for her job and that was the only time he could see me after his 6 month old baby was asleep. Shady, shady, shady. I went the first time because he made it seem like other people would be there. Then I realized the jig was up, and I have politely excused myself since.
5. He doesn't introduce you to friends or family. This is a corollary to #4 more or less. If he's even the least bit interested in a future with you, he'll want you to meet his friends. His friends are an extension of his family, and in many cases, could be closer to him than family. If he constantly makes excuses as to why you can't meet them or don't want to meet them, he either doesn't have any friends whatsoever, OR he's not feeling it. Same applies for the family. If you've been going out for a while and he won't take you to meet the 'rents, you've got a problem. Namely, he's not feeling it. This applies even to long distance relationships. If he wants you, he will go out of his way to make things happen. Everyone's timeline is different, but if you feel it in your gut that something's not right, then go with it. If it's been a year and you have no idea who his friends or family are, then GET OUT.

"Signs She's Just Not That Into You...or Into You Anymore"
1. She wears sweatpants almost exclusively...even out to dinner. Guys, if your lady is anything like The Big E, she wants to impress you and wants you to be proud to have her on your arm. She will buy a new outfit, which you will probably not even notice, because she wants to look good for her. It would help if you would compliment her when she looks nice, even if it's a run of the mill dinner out, because it does make her feel better, and it could possibly get you laid. In any event, if the nice outfits start dwindling, or if her appearance gets to be more "slatternly" than "flattering," you may want to take stock. Five'll getcha ten, she's not taking the time because her interest is waning or she's feeling taken for granted. Now, on weekends and in the evenings, everyone has to put on their "wallerin' jammies" and lay on the couch some. But if it's every day, all day, take a temp check. She might be running a little low.
2. She doesn't give you her number, just her email address. As a dating site member, I can email potential suitors through their email client. After the exchange of information has reached an acceptable timbre (meaning I don't think you're a psycho and I might be interested in letting you purchase me a drink), I'll either ask for the gentleman's phone number or offer mine. Those who do not get such an invitation are those I don't deem worthy of The Big E's physical presence. So take that as a hint, fellas.
3. She's constantly busy, to the point of not having a spare moment. Especially not for you. Now, there are people out there who lead quite challenging and time-consuming lives, and they have perhaps over-extended themselves on the social calendar. But if they really feel you're worth it, they'll squeeze you in. Drinks, dinner, breakfast, whatever--they'll try their best to find the time to see you. If not, you can probably safely assume that they feel their time is better spent over-extending themselves and not extending invitations to you. Take a hint and just let it go, man.
4. Physical contact is at a minimum. Now I'm not talking about people who have been dating for a while and perhaps the ardor has cooled off enough to let you actually get to know the real them. I'm talking about the first few dates or so. If a girl likes you, she will subconsicously find little ways to touch you. Not like grabbing your crotch or licking your face (though that has been known to convey interest quite effectively), but subtle things like touching your arm when she is telling a story or standing closer to you at the bar so that you brush against her when someone tries to walk past you. If she's not exhibiting any kind of contact, or if her body language is closed off (legs and arms crossed, not making a lot of eye contact, etc.), or if she shakes your hand at the end of the date rather than hugging you, then it's probably time to hang it up and call it a day. Trust me, if we're feeling it, we will--we will--touch you!
5. She picks on you about everything. I have to say this is probably a big fault of mine. When I am not into someone, I pick on every little thing that's wrong with them. It doesn't matter if it's major or minor, I will hone in on it like a fat kid at the buffet. And I tell them every single thing I find wrong. Many, many times. Yes, it's rude and demeaning, and yes, I know it's really a horrible way to treat someone because I would hate to be treated that way myself. I didn't say I was perfect, and I didn't say it was the right thing to do. But if your girl is anything like me, she's just looking for a way out. So give her one.

Alright, that's it folks! Let me know your thoughts or comments!

1 comment:

  1. But I know this friend of mine who's cousin's friend, worked out for her...haha