OK Ya'll (don't I sound like Paula Deen when I say that?),
Here's a little something I created a while back that I really think could help weed out the sick and the old of the herd when it comes to finding a suitable dating partner. Just for shits and giggles.
I'll just tell ya now, I'm not a kid person, I probably don't want any, and I'm fine with that. I'm not in the market for an insta-family. I'm also particularly disapproving of any kind of illicit substance use, even recreationally, in my date. Pre-emptorily, before you email or comment about how uptight I am, think about it from my perspective....do you really want to date some burnout stoner or someone who can't handle stress by any other means than to murder innocent, defenseless brain cells? They could have used those brain cells to come up with a better solution, or cure cancer for Pete's sake!! Gawd. I have plenty of friends who indulge themselves and I don't judge them. I am also not dating them. It's nobody's business what you do with your free time. I like to read dorky teenager books and sing songs to my cats (and then wonder why I'm single), and I'd hope my friends don't hold that against me. So calm down and take it in stride.
Also you're wasting your time by giving me shit for not wanting kids or being kid friendly. I've heard it all before and I remain unmoved. Kids are not for me, end of story.
So here's the dating app. Read it and weep.
Application For Prolonged Entertainment By The Big E
Name (Last, First, Middle)________________________________________________
Preferred Name or Nickname (if it is stupid, I will not call you that) ______________________________________________________________________
Phone number (Home, Cell, and Work—must be reachable at all times) _______________________________________________________________________
Date of Birth_______________________
Do you enjoy having an adult libation upon occasion? Yes or No
Do you smoke? Yes or No
(if you smoke, please turn in your application immediately. Your services are not needed at this time unless we become desperate for a booty call)
Do you do any kind of recreational drugs, even on occasion? Yes or No
(if you chose yes, please turn in your application immediately. Your services are not needed at this time. Not even for a booty call.)
Date(s) of Prior Relationship (MM/DD/YY) to (MM/DD/YY)
Name of Ex-Girlfriend (Bitchface is not an acceptable answer)_____________________
Why did this relationship end? Be specific and detailed. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Children in the household? If so, please list names, ages, and maternal history:_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(If you entered any information in the above field for children in the household, please stop writing and turn in your application immediately. Your services will not be needed at this time, although we will keep your application on file for a minimum of 6 (six) months after the date of application should we become desperate for a booty call)
Religious Beliefs (check one)
None of the Above
(if you entered none of the above, please explain the reason you think you are going to keep your soul out of everlasting torment) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I am interested in (check all that apply)
Short Term (6 mo-1 yr) Dating leading to Marriage
Long Term (1 yr-infinity) Dating leading to Marriage
Booty Call leading to Short and/or Long Term Dating leading to Marriage
I would like to have children (check one)
I don’t mind, it’s up to you, I am fine either way and I will not change my mind later on down the road and say I really wanted kids when I said I didn’t care to begin with.
How many days a week are you interested in intercourse?_______________________
Do you cuddle afterwards? Yes or No
How many days a week do you work out?____________________________________
What kind of foods do you dislike? Be specific.________________________________
What is your stance on paying for dates the majority of the time?___________________________________________________________________
What is your stance on public displays of affection?________________________________________________________________
What is your stance on minor weight gain (5-10 lbs) and major weight gain (15-30 lbs) of your significant other (i.e., Big E)?____________________________________________
Do you remember birthdays, anniversaries, the first date you went on, what she was wearing, and her family’s names and birthdays?
Yes or No
If you do not remember, will you make a concerted effort without being told to remember said things so you do not end up in the doghouse like your friends do? Yes or No
How stingy are you? (check one)
Extremely—I wouldn’t give my own mother a dollar to save her life from a maneating shark.
Somewhat—I will purchase gifts but only if they are under $10
Not at All—I want my woman to have the best of everything on my dime.
How amenable are you to performing favors for your significant other?
I will not help out with anything.
I will do some things, like bring you something to drink, but not others, such as holding your purse at the mall while you try on clothes or housework.
I will do anything and everything—hungry? I’ll cook. Dirty? I’ll clean. Purse? Hand it over and pick out something pretty.
Any other talents or special qualities you feel the Big E should consider in your application review? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thank you for taking the time to apply with the Big E. We will contact you as soon as we have made a decision regarding your date worthiness.