Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin...

OK Y’all,
So it’s looking like The Big E is ridin’ solo this year for Valentine’s day again…and really, I don’t mind because it sure beats getting a non-committal gift for someone you only sorta like but just started dating and don’t want to look like an ass for not getting them anything type of situation that I had last year. I mean, there are potholes galore when you have any type of dating situation going on anytime from January 1 through February 13, so I find it best to just avoid dating if you can until Feb 15. You have at least a few months to figure out if they’re worth shelling out some ducats before you have to commit, and if they’ve had a birthday in Jan or Feb, then you’re golden til December!
So in honor of my singlehood this year, I have compiled a list of my favorite songs that glorify the best love there is—self-love. Really, where else can you have two dates for Friday night? Hello, left hand! Hello, right hand! Let’s have a party! These songs are in no particular order, just the order I happened to think of them.
1. Billy Idol—Dancing With Myself: oh Billy, you of the bleached coif and snarled lip, how rough and ready I’m sure you treat your poor drug addled self when you’re down and out. And as a girl who loves to dance, I can’t imagine a better partner than moi. Good choice, Billy. At least you’re not getting the groupies pregnant.
2. Prince—Darling Nikki: Errbody knows Prince is one filthy little androgynous man, and picking songs about doing it from any of his albums is like shooting fish in a barrel. This particular gem is about doing it, with yourself, and letting Prince see what he can come up with lyrically to encapsulate such an experience, interspersed with his squeals of delight. He truly is the Prince of All Things Carnal.
3. Cyndi Lauper—She Bop: I have to admit, when I was a kid, I really liked this video. I thought the mouse and Cyndi had a thing for Lennon glasses. I didn’t know they had gone blind from touching themselves too much! I was 5! I didn’t know what ‘the danger zone’ and going south to get you some more meant. Now that I’m a big girl, I get it…and then I get it.
4. Faith No More—Epic: I first heard this song when hanging out with my cousin, who is 4 years older than me, back in the early 90s. She was a headbanger of sorts and listened to a lot more rock music than I did, so I was quite intrigued by this particular song as it was not quite metal but not quite rap. I listened to it many times and enjoyed watching the video with the fish in it. And then years and years later someone informed me that the subject of this song was not, in fact, world domination as I had thought. DUH.
5. The Vapors—Turning Japanese: Basically all this guy didn’t put in the song was how he licked all the color off the first picture he had of his girlfriend, so he had to turn to x-rays. Oh, wait….
6. The Divinyls—I Touch Myself: The most blatantly obvious of all the entries, this song pulls no punches about its subject, which is apparently a good thing for me because I don’t read between the lines very well.
7. The Georgia Satellites—Keep Your Hands to Yourself: While this song may not be outright a song about self-love, it is in theory. Because I ask you, gentle reader—if this young man is constantly turned down by his paramour, what devices is he left to employ? His own bad self, that’s what. Guess who’s milking that cow now, sweetie??
8. Tina Turner—What’s Love Got To Do With It?: Again, not outwardly about self love, but ol’ Proud Mary is getting pretty worked up over this boy that causes her pulse to react. I’d venture a guess and say that she didn’t spend her time thinking of him trying to keep her hands occupied with knitting.
9. The Violent Femmes—Blister In the Sun: this guy is staining his sheets and doesn’t know why? I got two words for you buddy—dirty socks. They go straight in the laundry when you’re done and you don’t have to worry about your sheets being hard anymore.
Alright! That’s all I’ve got. Leave me your comments and favorites! And HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!