Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Reality Bites

OK Y'all,
So I was reading this article the other day about what makes men and women 'undateable.' It had your standard answers of, 'too much baggage,' 'bad kisser,'etc. It also had one choad who said, 'a woman who farts in her sleep.' Wow. First of all, this ass clown doesn't have the sense to realize that women don't actually KNOW that they fart in their sleep. We have no control over bodily functions when we are REM-ing it up, so I place the onus squarely on the other party when it comes to taking responsibility for dealing with odoriforous emanations during slumber. Anyhoosle, this article got me thinking about my own situation and what qualities I have that make me dateable or undateable. I chose to focus on the positive, so I compiled a list of the traits I possess that I think make me a swell gal and the traits that I felt men took into consideration. I call them :
Things I Think Make Me Dateable

1. Quick witted sense of humor that is very rarely offended
2. Ability to cook and bake
3. Awesome trivia skills
4. Good skin, hair, teeth, and overall health
5. Enjoyment of a variety of activities that guys partake in, like hiking, sports, and chicken wing eating contests
6. Physically low maintenance so it doesnt take 10 years to get ready

Things That Men Think Make Me Dateable
1. Big Tits.
That's pretty much it. If I'm wrong, please tell me in the comments, but I doubt it. Happy dating!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Cool It Now

OK Y’all,
So I just read this article online about a guy who is willing to donate half his salary as a gift to a charity of your choice, if—and here’s the kicker—you are a lady of age 18-49 who is willing to marry this chump. Yes, you read that right…he’s breaking the cardinal rule of the Beatles and trying to use money to buy love. This fellow has a blogger site just like I have here, and he has posted 38 reasons why single women should love him but don’t. Let me just give you a few examples of these ‘reasons’ and you can tell me what you think after I tell you what I think (Granted, many of these reasons are meant to be tongue in cheek, but I find it a fatally flawed approach on several levels. I like humor as much as the next girl, but this guy is not funny, he’s just sad).
1. He says he has bad skin so he will ‘grow a beard for you.’ I understand that everyone gets a zit now and again, and some get them more than others. But you do not, I repeat DO NOT, need to advertise this fact if you are trying to attract ladies. Even if you think it is funny and disarmingly honest, I am here to tell you it is TMI and you will not profit from it. Guaranteed the first thing any gal is thinking when she reads that lil tidbit is, OMG this dude is a walking Proactiv before picture—Abort! Abort! Chicks don’t want to sit and think about all your grody comedogenic issues and reminding girls about it is certainly not helping your case. In this instance, being self-deprecating is not winning you any points, it’s just grossing out your potential mates who would have otherwise not even noticed or chosen to overlook your dermatological maladies.
2. He says he has never had a girlfriend, ever. Now, this fellow is 38 years old, and he looks a lot like Andy Torres on Cougar Town. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look it up. Seriously, do it now. I’ll wait…..ok, great. Now, I’m sure there is a segment of the female population who digs that look. I am not one of them, but there is somebody for everybody. He has tried multiple methods of procuring a date, including online dating, and has done some stupid things for women he was interested in. So I therefore find it a bit odd that he would not have at least dated a girl here and there for a month or two until she opened the medicine cabinet and found all of his Clean and Clear products. But, assuming that he is not trying to be humorous and he really hasn’t had a lady companion, I have to imagine the sole reason for that is a little thing we call Desperation. Chicks can smell it on you a mile away, just like dudes can. Best case scenario you might get someone to take advantage of your pathetic situation and throw you a pity lay here and there, but if you’re serious about acquiring the company of a honest to god woman, you can’t come off as even slightly desperate. Women like self confident men; guys who could give two shits if they have a date on Friday night as long as there is a sporting event and beer nearby. Women like to feel as if you have chosen their company over all others, not like they are being trailed by a stalker who has nothing going for them.
3. He took a picture of himself without a shirt on and then makes fun of how hairy and chunky he is. Again, I cannot reiterate this enough, WE GET IT. I have dated plenty of guys who were not exactly Dash Riprock in the physical fitness department and I had absolutely no problem with it. In fact, I like my dudes a little chunky. And I am not Miss America either. I have ‘problem areas’ that I could work on. But I am also not willingly posting photos of said areas and telling men that I have more to love. I sometimes get caught in photos during the summer in my swimsuit and that is mortifying enough. So keep it covered, buddy. Any self respecting gal is not going to look at that photo and think, ‘wow, what I really need is an acne riddled Wookiee in my life to keep me company.’
Those are just a few of the reasons he gives, and there are many more. Some are very heartfelt, like his penchant for rescuing animals and being reliable. But if you are trying to present yourself in the best light possible, some things are best left to the imagination, or at least to the third date. There is such a thing as being too honest and too self-deprecating. It makes you look like you have zero self-esteem, and that is not attractive. Calling yourself “Handsome Paul” and saying such things doesn’t help either.
Ok, that’s all I’ve got—give me your thoughts, rants, raves, comments. Just don’t tell me about your skin care regimen.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Ground Control to Major Tom...

OK Y’all,
There is a serious problem affecting 99.9% of the general population of people ages 18-45. It’s a disease that is easily prevented and commonly discussed, but rarely do people know they have it until the infection has cleared. It affects the neurological pathways of the body, eating away at precious brain function, and it’s high time we banded together and did something about this devastating malady. That’s right, I’m talking about Parked Up Socialization Syndrome, or PUSSy. Some FAQ’s about this travesty of an ailment are listed below. Please, read up on this horrible disease so you can prevent it in your own life and help those who have fallen victim to it before it’s too late.
What are the signs and symptoms of PUSSy?
The number one sign that someone is developing this disease is the sudden and permeating presence of a member of the opposite sex in the victim’s daily life, aka becoming ‘parked up.’ This parasitic relationship causes the victim to lose the ability to call, text, email, or otherwise contact their friends and family whom they used to see on a very regular basis, aka ‘pitching them in the river.’ Doctors believe this sudden change of neural function is due to the victim’s head becoming lodged in their partner’s rectum at a very deep level, thus suffocating the areas responsible for rational thought and feeling. The victim now solely socializes with the partner of the opposite sex. Victims lose the ability to think for themselves in the singular, and use words like “we” and “us” when describing their day to day activities. The victim will also be unable to host or attend social functions, and on the rare occasion that they do, they will leave early, isolate themselves from the rest of the group with their opposite sex partner, and be unable to be tolerated by those who enjoy keeping their food down, as nauseating public displays of affection are common with the victim and their partner. Additional symptoms include a complete 180 in behavioral tendencies, again due to the loss of neural function. These tendencies can range from minor idiosyncrasies to major turns of events, such as a sudden affinity for pets where there was none before.
What treatment is available for PUSSy? Is it curable?
Unfortunately the only cure for PUSSy is the eradication of the opposite sex partner, either by forcible means or by the partner’s detachment to find another host. This detachment or eradication is hard to predict and in some cases never happens at all, leaving the victim as good as dead to their friends and family. Traditional treatment options have had limited success at best, and have historically only proved to intensify the disease in the victim. Traditional methods have included verbally bashing the victim for their lack of contact, teasing, disengagement by friends and family, and overt insults to the partner. All of these methods simply serve to isolate the victim and their partner even further, thus deluding the victim into thinking that the partner is the only source of socialization, relief, and understanding from the disease. Alternative treatments are being investigated at this time, but unfortunately the best method is still to allow this disease to run its course and hope the victim can clear the infection on their own.
How do I know if I have PUSSy?
As mentioned previously, many times the only way to know one has this horrible infestation of the mind is to clear the infection and retrospectively diagnose oneself. Rarely, victims will come to the realization during an uncommon moment of clarity, usually when their heads are not attached to, or inserted in, their partner’s rectum. If this happens, immediate steps must be taken to alleviate the symptoms. Remediation includes spending copious amounts of time with the abandoned friends, reduced contact with the host, and resuming daily function as a singular entity as much as possible. Alas, many victims experience a difficult and serious withdrawal from their host and ultimately relapse multiple times or even for good.
So folks, please don’t let this happen to you. As you can see, it’s ugly, and it just gets worse. Prevention now!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin...

OK Y’all,
So it’s looking like The Big E is ridin’ solo this year for Valentine’s day again…and really, I don’t mind because it sure beats getting a non-committal gift for someone you only sorta like but just started dating and don’t want to look like an ass for not getting them anything type of situation that I had last year. I mean, there are potholes galore when you have any type of dating situation going on anytime from January 1 through February 13, so I find it best to just avoid dating if you can until Feb 15. You have at least a few months to figure out if they’re worth shelling out some ducats before you have to commit, and if they’ve had a birthday in Jan or Feb, then you’re golden til December!
So in honor of my singlehood this year, I have compiled a list of my favorite songs that glorify the best love there is—self-love. Really, where else can you have two dates for Friday night? Hello, left hand! Hello, right hand! Let’s have a party! These songs are in no particular order, just the order I happened to think of them.
1. Billy Idol—Dancing With Myself: oh Billy, you of the bleached coif and snarled lip, how rough and ready I’m sure you treat your poor drug addled self when you’re down and out. And as a girl who loves to dance, I can’t imagine a better partner than moi. Good choice, Billy. At least you’re not getting the groupies pregnant.
2. Prince—Darling Nikki: Errbody knows Prince is one filthy little androgynous man, and picking songs about doing it from any of his albums is like shooting fish in a barrel. This particular gem is about doing it, with yourself, and letting Prince see what he can come up with lyrically to encapsulate such an experience, interspersed with his squeals of delight. He truly is the Prince of All Things Carnal.
3. Cyndi Lauper—She Bop: I have to admit, when I was a kid, I really liked this video. I thought the mouse and Cyndi had a thing for Lennon glasses. I didn’t know they had gone blind from touching themselves too much! I was 5! I didn’t know what ‘the danger zone’ and going south to get you some more meant. Now that I’m a big girl, I get it…and then I get it.
4. Faith No More—Epic: I first heard this song when hanging out with my cousin, who is 4 years older than me, back in the early 90s. She was a headbanger of sorts and listened to a lot more rock music than I did, so I was quite intrigued by this particular song as it was not quite metal but not quite rap. I listened to it many times and enjoyed watching the video with the fish in it. And then years and years later someone informed me that the subject of this song was not, in fact, world domination as I had thought. DUH.
5. The Vapors—Turning Japanese: Basically all this guy didn’t put in the song was how he licked all the color off the first picture he had of his girlfriend, so he had to turn to x-rays. Oh, wait….
6. The Divinyls—I Touch Myself: The most blatantly obvious of all the entries, this song pulls no punches about its subject, which is apparently a good thing for me because I don’t read between the lines very well.
7. The Georgia Satellites—Keep Your Hands to Yourself: While this song may not be outright a song about self-love, it is in theory. Because I ask you, gentle reader—if this young man is constantly turned down by his paramour, what devices is he left to employ? His own bad self, that’s what. Guess who’s milking that cow now, sweetie??
8. Tina Turner—What’s Love Got To Do With It?: Again, not outwardly about self love, but ol’ Proud Mary is getting pretty worked up over this boy that causes her pulse to react. I’d venture a guess and say that she didn’t spend her time thinking of him trying to keep her hands occupied with knitting.
9. The Violent Femmes—Blister In the Sun: this guy is staining his sheets and doesn’t know why? I got two words for you buddy—dirty socks. They go straight in the laundry when you’re done and you don’t have to worry about your sheets being hard anymore.
Alright! That’s all I’ve got. Leave me your comments and favorites! And HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!