Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Ground Control to Major Tom...

OK Y’all,
There is a serious problem affecting 99.9% of the general population of people ages 18-45. It’s a disease that is easily prevented and commonly discussed, but rarely do people know they have it until the infection has cleared. It affects the neurological pathways of the body, eating away at precious brain function, and it’s high time we banded together and did something about this devastating malady. That’s right, I’m talking about Parked Up Socialization Syndrome, or PUSSy. Some FAQ’s about this travesty of an ailment are listed below. Please, read up on this horrible disease so you can prevent it in your own life and help those who have fallen victim to it before it’s too late.
What are the signs and symptoms of PUSSy?
The number one sign that someone is developing this disease is the sudden and permeating presence of a member of the opposite sex in the victim’s daily life, aka becoming ‘parked up.’ This parasitic relationship causes the victim to lose the ability to call, text, email, or otherwise contact their friends and family whom they used to see on a very regular basis, aka ‘pitching them in the river.’ Doctors believe this sudden change of neural function is due to the victim’s head becoming lodged in their partner’s rectum at a very deep level, thus suffocating the areas responsible for rational thought and feeling. The victim now solely socializes with the partner of the opposite sex. Victims lose the ability to think for themselves in the singular, and use words like “we” and “us” when describing their day to day activities. The victim will also be unable to host or attend social functions, and on the rare occasion that they do, they will leave early, isolate themselves from the rest of the group with their opposite sex partner, and be unable to be tolerated by those who enjoy keeping their food down, as nauseating public displays of affection are common with the victim and their partner. Additional symptoms include a complete 180 in behavioral tendencies, again due to the loss of neural function. These tendencies can range from minor idiosyncrasies to major turns of events, such as a sudden affinity for pets where there was none before.
What treatment is available for PUSSy? Is it curable?
Unfortunately the only cure for PUSSy is the eradication of the opposite sex partner, either by forcible means or by the partner’s detachment to find another host. This detachment or eradication is hard to predict and in some cases never happens at all, leaving the victim as good as dead to their friends and family. Traditional treatment options have had limited success at best, and have historically only proved to intensify the disease in the victim. Traditional methods have included verbally bashing the victim for their lack of contact, teasing, disengagement by friends and family, and overt insults to the partner. All of these methods simply serve to isolate the victim and their partner even further, thus deluding the victim into thinking that the partner is the only source of socialization, relief, and understanding from the disease. Alternative treatments are being investigated at this time, but unfortunately the best method is still to allow this disease to run its course and hope the victim can clear the infection on their own.
How do I know if I have PUSSy?
As mentioned previously, many times the only way to know one has this horrible infestation of the mind is to clear the infection and retrospectively diagnose oneself. Rarely, victims will come to the realization during an uncommon moment of clarity, usually when their heads are not attached to, or inserted in, their partner’s rectum. If this happens, immediate steps must be taken to alleviate the symptoms. Remediation includes spending copious amounts of time with the abandoned friends, reduced contact with the host, and resuming daily function as a singular entity as much as possible. Alas, many victims experience a difficult and serious withdrawal from their host and ultimately relapse multiple times or even for good.
So folks, please don’t let this happen to you. As you can see, it’s ugly, and it just gets worse. Prevention now!

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