OK Y’all,
So I was reading my newest ladies magazine the other night and they had a breakdown of different types of guys and how to spot them. It was pretty stereotypical, with the brooding intellectual, the surfer dude, and the well-dressed heartbreaker all making an appearance. Reading those descriptions got me thinking about the men I have known or dated in my own life, and led me to create some descriptions of my own. Here’s what I came up with:
1.The Goodyear Blimp: I call this guy a blimp not because he is fat (though the one I dated was a total chubbo) but because he is full of hot air. This guy talks a good game, but when it comes right down to it, he’s got nothing to show for his peacockery. The guy I dated looked great from the outside—a sports career, nice car, good family, attentive nature. He seemed to be exactly what I was looking for as far as ambition and drive, and presented himself as a hard-working, moral person. I had visions of us making a life together and conquering the world with his business savvy and my creativity. What he turned out to be was a failure at life, relying on his parents for a job, a ride, and a place to live. He had no faith, no self-esteem, and he couldn’t give a compliment if his life depended on it. Unfortunately, it took me 2.5 years of my life to finally be done with him, and the humiliating part was, HE dumped ME. Ridiculous!
2.The Rodeo Clown: This guy is a clown not because he’s funny, but because he makes an ass out of himself from all the drama he gets himself into or chooses to be a part of. He’s a rollercoaster of emotional turmoil, and dating him is much akin to riding a bull and trying to stay on for the whole 8 seconds. You’re trying to follow the dips and bucks, but it’s the most frustrating thing you’ve ever tried to accomplish. Well guess what friends? I’m not Lane Frost, and this guy is no good for you, especially if you’re more into pony rides than steer roping. He’s always pining away over some long lost love, or finding himself embroiled in some latent feelings from a “friend” or some mystery person from the past that only revealed themselves when you decide to go out with him. It’s not as bad as it seems, though, because eventually this guy will recede so far into his cocoon of emotional upheaval that he’ll forget to call or text you for weeks. And surprisingly, it’ll not even occur to you until you sit down to write your next blog.
3.The Wolf: this guy is almost the opposite of the Blimp, because he actually does have the qualities you’re looking for and demonstrates them regularly. You get all comfortable being treated like you’re the best stuff on earth besides Snapple, and suddenly the rug gets pulled out from under you. The sweet, loving, well-mannered guy you were dating turns into a total cad. He stops calling when he says he will, breaks plans or makes them and doesn’t show up, and generally turns into a frat boy at midnight—he’s gone from the Sheep to the Wolf. It may take a little while to figure out the Wolf, as his deceptions begin somewhat innocently, with a little extra time elapsing between calls or dates, accompanied by what seems to be a reasonable excuse. But trust me ladies, the time to wise up is not the time that your friend that lives across the street from him tells you that some girl has a moving truck outside his apartment and is hauling all his furniture out. Just a little warning to prepare yourselves—don’t say I didn’t tell you.
4.The Rick Astley: this guy is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…until he does it for the 14th time again this week. This poor guy has all the best intentions, and really does mean well, but he’s overextended himself to the point that having a girlfriend is only a theory and not a scientific fact. He’s working full time, into several hobbies, and has a passel of friends that always want to hang out. It’s easy to see why—he’s got personality in spades and is great at one-liners. But this guy is never going to have the time to really devote to your relationship if you’re even vaguely interested in spending more than 10 minutes with him, while he’s awake, and not working, and…..you get my drift. He tries hard, but he’s got too much going on to really make a relationship work, despite his many promises that he will do better. Do both of yourselves a favor and just let this one go. You can always be friends, but you won’t have to sit around for hours after he said he’d be someplace on Friday night.
Ok folks, that’s all I’ve got this week. Hit me up and let me know what you think—rants, raves, comments, questions!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Call 'Em Like You See 'Em
Ok Y’all,
So I was just hanging out at home the other night when I got a text from a friend of mine who asked me an odd question. He wanted to know if girls judge guys on what kind of phone they have. He was a little worried and self conscious because his phone is sort of a POS and he’s too cheap to get another one, but he still wants to present himself in a decent light for the ladyfolk. I thought about it and honestly I could care less what kind of phone someone has, as long as they call me, you know? My friend was relieved, but it got me to thinking about what other little things I, as a woman, really do take into account when sizing up a guy. Granted, none of these things by itself has caused me to not go out with someone, but in the aggregate I believe it says a lot about a person and their tastes and predilections. Here’s what I’ve come up with off the cuff:
1.Shoes. I’m sorry, but if you’re wearing the new Jordans with a pair of dress pants, you are probably A. Nelly or B. sartorially challenged. I’m not saying that you have to wear the best pair of Cole Haans you can get your hands on, but you have to have a little bit of style. Match your shoe type to the outfit at hand, and try to put a little effort into it so you don’t look like a goof. Same goes for pointy shoes. Men who wear pointy shoes run the risk of looking like they might be going on a date with another man, or they’re next in line for the elf tryouts at Santa’s Workshop. They’re a don’t all the way around, and personally I would rather you wore flip flops in the dead of winter than force me to look at those gawd awful brogans.
2.Fingernails. I don’t understand why, when there’s a Walgreens literally on every corner that sells clippers, that guys can’t cut and/or clean under their fingernails. I have dated a few guys who got regular manicures from me, and they were quite grateful for it, but it always confounded me as to why I had to be the one to keep up with the grooming of their phalanges. So, a little hint, fellas—check your nails once in a while. Cut them, and clean them. It takes a couple of minutes that I promise you will give you hours of enjoyment from the opposite sex.
3.Facial hair. This also falls into the grooming category. I personally find many guys very attractive with facial hair. Hell, my dad has had at least a mustache his entire life and I think he’s a handsome dude, but he’s also 62. Certain types of facial hair need to be reviewed before sporting. My thoughts: Guys who are under 50 probably should forego the ‘stache unless accompanied by a goatee. Beards I can deal with, but it has to be a tidy beard, not like a Joaquin Phoenix on crack beard (“Is there a frog on my head?”) or a ZZ Top type thing. Most ladies also don’t want some scraggly, patchy mess that looks like you got into a fight with a hot glue gun and lost. If you can’t grow it like a man, don’t try to go there. Sideburns are totally ok at any age as long as they are more Brandon Walsh than Elvis. There it is—now go out and get you some chin pubes.
4.Voice and diction. Now, I know that people cannot help a lot of what happens during puberty to affect their vocal cords, but it’s getting ridiculous out there and I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t say something. It’s what I call the classic “David Beckham Syndrome”—a good looking dude that chicks drool over until he opens his mouth and sounds like he just sucked down an entire liter of helium. Not sexy! The same rule applies to guys with excessive sibilance—you just end up sounding like you need some of the aforementioned pointy shoes. Think Sean Connery, Harrison Ford, Matthew McConaughey—those dudes have some speaking skills. You want to have a nice, manly timbre with a pleasing accent. I’m not saying Southern isn’t sexy, I’m just saying there’s a difference between Southern and Redneck. I shouldn’t need an interpreter from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour to help decipher what it is you just asked me because you can’t form words properly. In fact, I love me a nice Southern accent (like Mr. McConaughey), especially when he whispers those 4 little words every girl likes to hear—“I’ll pay for dinner.”
Alright peeps, that’s all I got! Let me know your thoughts, opinions, rants, and raves!!
So I was just hanging out at home the other night when I got a text from a friend of mine who asked me an odd question. He wanted to know if girls judge guys on what kind of phone they have. He was a little worried and self conscious because his phone is sort of a POS and he’s too cheap to get another one, but he still wants to present himself in a decent light for the ladyfolk. I thought about it and honestly I could care less what kind of phone someone has, as long as they call me, you know? My friend was relieved, but it got me to thinking about what other little things I, as a woman, really do take into account when sizing up a guy. Granted, none of these things by itself has caused me to not go out with someone, but in the aggregate I believe it says a lot about a person and their tastes and predilections. Here’s what I’ve come up with off the cuff:
1.Shoes. I’m sorry, but if you’re wearing the new Jordans with a pair of dress pants, you are probably A. Nelly or B. sartorially challenged. I’m not saying that you have to wear the best pair of Cole Haans you can get your hands on, but you have to have a little bit of style. Match your shoe type to the outfit at hand, and try to put a little effort into it so you don’t look like a goof. Same goes for pointy shoes. Men who wear pointy shoes run the risk of looking like they might be going on a date with another man, or they’re next in line for the elf tryouts at Santa’s Workshop. They’re a don’t all the way around, and personally I would rather you wore flip flops in the dead of winter than force me to look at those gawd awful brogans.
2.Fingernails. I don’t understand why, when there’s a Walgreens literally on every corner that sells clippers, that guys can’t cut and/or clean under their fingernails. I have dated a few guys who got regular manicures from me, and they were quite grateful for it, but it always confounded me as to why I had to be the one to keep up with the grooming of their phalanges. So, a little hint, fellas—check your nails once in a while. Cut them, and clean them. It takes a couple of minutes that I promise you will give you hours of enjoyment from the opposite sex.
3.Facial hair. This also falls into the grooming category. I personally find many guys very attractive with facial hair. Hell, my dad has had at least a mustache his entire life and I think he’s a handsome dude, but he’s also 62. Certain types of facial hair need to be reviewed before sporting. My thoughts: Guys who are under 50 probably should forego the ‘stache unless accompanied by a goatee. Beards I can deal with, but it has to be a tidy beard, not like a Joaquin Phoenix on crack beard (“Is there a frog on my head?”) or a ZZ Top type thing. Most ladies also don’t want some scraggly, patchy mess that looks like you got into a fight with a hot glue gun and lost. If you can’t grow it like a man, don’t try to go there. Sideburns are totally ok at any age as long as they are more Brandon Walsh than Elvis. There it is—now go out and get you some chin pubes.
4.Voice and diction. Now, I know that people cannot help a lot of what happens during puberty to affect their vocal cords, but it’s getting ridiculous out there and I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t say something. It’s what I call the classic “David Beckham Syndrome”—a good looking dude that chicks drool over until he opens his mouth and sounds like he just sucked down an entire liter of helium. Not sexy! The same rule applies to guys with excessive sibilance—you just end up sounding like you need some of the aforementioned pointy shoes. Think Sean Connery, Harrison Ford, Matthew McConaughey—those dudes have some speaking skills. You want to have a nice, manly timbre with a pleasing accent. I’m not saying Southern isn’t sexy, I’m just saying there’s a difference between Southern and Redneck. I shouldn’t need an interpreter from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour to help decipher what it is you just asked me because you can’t form words properly. In fact, I love me a nice Southern accent (like Mr. McConaughey), especially when he whispers those 4 little words every girl likes to hear—“I’ll pay for dinner.”
Alright peeps, that’s all I got! Let me know your thoughts, opinions, rants, and raves!!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Keep On Truckin'
Ok Y’all,
So it’s a new year and I think we can all agree that now’s as good a time as any to make some dating resolutions. It only makes sense that whilst I attempt to overhaul my diet and exercise regimen that I overhaul my outlook on wooing and being wooed by the opposite sex. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
Resolution #1: I will not date out of boredom. There have been a few times in my life where I’ve been in a bit of a dating lull, and to combat the lull, I have made questionable dating choices out of sheer ennui. Now that’s not to say that my dates were not decent people, or that they did not put forth effort, just that I was not quite in the frame of mind to be working toward anything but a good time, or the person I was going out with had a few deal breakers that I knew were not going to be acceptable over the long-term. And you and I both know that can sometimes cause hurt feelings, especially when the person you are going out with is genuinely interested in you but you are not so interested in them. Obviously, being honest about your intentions for the date up front is preferable, but who’s going to want to take you anywhere if you blurt out, “Hey, dudarino, I’m only going out with you because, even though you are ridiculously wrong for me, I couldn’t stand another night of Golden Girls reruns and stale pizza”? I’ll take NOBODY for $500, Alex. But hey, if you’re both bored and just want to hang out with no expectations, then by all means, friends.
Resolution #2: I will not settle for less than I deserve. I have been in several dating situations that were also less than ideal because converse to Resolution #1, I was the one who was more into the relationship. And it ended up causing me some heartache because I went over and above to prove myself to someone who couldn’t have given a shit less. I tend to be that person—trying to prove that I am helpful, fun, smart, whatever. And no one should have to work that hard. As a woman, I want a man who is going to be excited to see me and spend time with me, flattered to have me on his arm at a restaurant/theater/honky tonk/beer pong tournament, and totally pumped at the prospect that my lips might somehow touch his—just because I am me. I want to feel wanted, beautiful, and skinny. And this year I am not going to settle for someone who does not treat me thus.
Resolution #3: I will be honest, but tactful. This one is probably going to be the hardest one for me to keep, because if you’ve met me or even read the last couple of posts, I’m not exactly Nancy Niceness. I tend to err on the side of being blunt with a side of “WTF did she just say to me?!?!” and it gets me in trouble. When I think back on some of the things I have said to boyfriends past, I cringe. And I know in my heart that if they had said those things to me, I would have punched them squarely in the wedding tackle. So this year, I’m going to be my creative best in crafting the harsh words I’m thinking into fluffy pillows of constructive feedback. Will I fail on occasion? Abso-frickin’-lutely. But I’m going to pick myself up and try again, after I apologize profusely and go buy some new lingerie.
Alright, give me your dating resolutions, rants, raves, and comments! Happy new year and happy dating!
So it’s a new year and I think we can all agree that now’s as good a time as any to make some dating resolutions. It only makes sense that whilst I attempt to overhaul my diet and exercise regimen that I overhaul my outlook on wooing and being wooed by the opposite sex. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
Resolution #1: I will not date out of boredom. There have been a few times in my life where I’ve been in a bit of a dating lull, and to combat the lull, I have made questionable dating choices out of sheer ennui. Now that’s not to say that my dates were not decent people, or that they did not put forth effort, just that I was not quite in the frame of mind to be working toward anything but a good time, or the person I was going out with had a few deal breakers that I knew were not going to be acceptable over the long-term. And you and I both know that can sometimes cause hurt feelings, especially when the person you are going out with is genuinely interested in you but you are not so interested in them. Obviously, being honest about your intentions for the date up front is preferable, but who’s going to want to take you anywhere if you blurt out, “Hey, dudarino, I’m only going out with you because, even though you are ridiculously wrong for me, I couldn’t stand another night of Golden Girls reruns and stale pizza”? I’ll take NOBODY for $500, Alex. But hey, if you’re both bored and just want to hang out with no expectations, then by all means, friends.
Resolution #2: I will not settle for less than I deserve. I have been in several dating situations that were also less than ideal because converse to Resolution #1, I was the one who was more into the relationship. And it ended up causing me some heartache because I went over and above to prove myself to someone who couldn’t have given a shit less. I tend to be that person—trying to prove that I am helpful, fun, smart, whatever. And no one should have to work that hard. As a woman, I want a man who is going to be excited to see me and spend time with me, flattered to have me on his arm at a restaurant/theater/honky tonk/beer pong tournament, and totally pumped at the prospect that my lips might somehow touch his—just because I am me. I want to feel wanted, beautiful, and skinny. And this year I am not going to settle for someone who does not treat me thus.
Resolution #3: I will be honest, but tactful. This one is probably going to be the hardest one for me to keep, because if you’ve met me or even read the last couple of posts, I’m not exactly Nancy Niceness. I tend to err on the side of being blunt with a side of “WTF did she just say to me?!?!” and it gets me in trouble. When I think back on some of the things I have said to boyfriends past, I cringe. And I know in my heart that if they had said those things to me, I would have punched them squarely in the wedding tackle. So this year, I’m going to be my creative best in crafting the harsh words I’m thinking into fluffy pillows of constructive feedback. Will I fail on occasion? Abso-frickin’-lutely. But I’m going to pick myself up and try again, after I apologize profusely and go buy some new lingerie.
Alright, give me your dating resolutions, rants, raves, and comments! Happy new year and happy dating!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
It's The Thought That Counts
OK Ya’ll,
So I was asked this question last year about this time, and I didn’t really feel like I gave a satisfactory answer. A friend of mine who had recently reconnected with an old flame wanted to know what to get him for Christmas. They’d only been seeing each other again for a few months, and though they had dated in the past, it had been many years since they had parted ways. She wanted to know what I thought would be acceptable gift ideas for a fledgling reconnection. I suggested several things—CD, book, DVD of a favorite movie, cologne—but I feel like when people ask me stuff like that, I never have a good answer. The only thing I really know is what constitutes a bad gift. I have been the recipient of said gifts, and also heard several bad gift stories from friends and in my “ladies light reading” periodicals. So here’s my list of what NOT to get for that certain someone you hope to impress, or anyone that has a vagina.
1. A six-pack of Diet Coke. Yes, I read this in the December issue of one of my aforementioned periodicals. It was a story about the author at 16, hoping her adorable boyfriend would get her something rad like Bonne Belle Lip Smackers in Dr. Pepper flavor and a teensy-weensy diamond chip necklace or some shit, and instead he plops a six pack of Diet Coke in her lap like it’s the friggin’ Taj Mahal of Christmas presents. Because, he said, “he knew how much she loved to drink it.” She was crestfallen to say the least. I felt bad for her to have been in the unfortunate situation of getting such a craptacular gift, but also for the fact that she probably thought he was insinuating that she was fat. Poor girl. I will say when I was 16, I got roses. Classy move, High School Boyfriend.
2. A battery recharging station. This little gem of a story came from my aesthetician, Charmin. She’s a whiz at hair removal and, I suspect, body part removal if things get hairy in the figurative sense as well. She said that the first Christmas she and her husband were together as a married couple, he was beside himself with glee at the prospect of her opening his present. It was rectangular, about 14x6, and felt somewhat heavy. Charm, being the girly girl that she is, had all kinds of wonderful things in mind when holding this Pandora’s box of opportunity, suspecting that it might be something in the way of a jewelry coffret with some sort of glittery bauble inside. She said Hubs kept telling her “it’s for both of us” (or bofus, to use common parlance), inferring that she would be happy and he would get laid. She eagerly ripped the paper off on Christmas morning to come face to face with a BRAND NEEEEEWWWW…Battery recharging station! To say that Hubs was in the doghouse for many, many cold nights to come is an understatement.
3. Anything you’ve already eaten or have no use for yourself. My beautiful and cool Aunt Helen fell victim to myriad ridiculously vomitous gifts Yuletide after Yuletide, courtesy of her drunkard of a mother in law, God rest her soul. See, my aunt was not so popular with Mommy Dearest; and so the acrimony MD felt, coupled with her drunken shopping sprees ending in the consumption of half her purchases, left my poor auntie in the clutches of a dysfunctional round robin of horror. One year, she received a banana hanger along with a half eaten jar of cocktail nuts; another year, a base to a punch bowl, sans the actual bowl. There are a host of other poorly chosen trinkets on this list, but out of respect for the dead, I’ll let the above be a lesson to you all: Don’t drink and gift.
4. Chanel No. 5. Now I know that it may sound silly to complain about something as nice as Chanel No.5, and granted, it is a pricey gift. I mean, even Marilyn Monroe said she wore it, and only it, to bed—which is why I wonder if perhaps JFK, and RFK, and Frank Sinatra, and Arthur Miller, etc. had no olfactory nerves, because that stuff STINKS. One spritz and suddenly you smell like the unwashed underpinnings of an 88 year old European woman. And good luck trying to get it off—I think the only thing that will get that smell off of you is skunk spray. So a word to the wise when choosing perfume (and using someone else’s bathroom)—just because you like the way it smells, doesn’t mean everybody else will. Let THEM choose.
Alright, that's all I've got. Let me know what horrible gifts you've gotten in the past and let's all have a Merry Chrismakwanzakkuh!
So I was asked this question last year about this time, and I didn’t really feel like I gave a satisfactory answer. A friend of mine who had recently reconnected with an old flame wanted to know what to get him for Christmas. They’d only been seeing each other again for a few months, and though they had dated in the past, it had been many years since they had parted ways. She wanted to know what I thought would be acceptable gift ideas for a fledgling reconnection. I suggested several things—CD, book, DVD of a favorite movie, cologne—but I feel like when people ask me stuff like that, I never have a good answer. The only thing I really know is what constitutes a bad gift. I have been the recipient of said gifts, and also heard several bad gift stories from friends and in my “ladies light reading” periodicals. So here’s my list of what NOT to get for that certain someone you hope to impress, or anyone that has a vagina.
1. A six-pack of Diet Coke. Yes, I read this in the December issue of one of my aforementioned periodicals. It was a story about the author at 16, hoping her adorable boyfriend would get her something rad like Bonne Belle Lip Smackers in Dr. Pepper flavor and a teensy-weensy diamond chip necklace or some shit, and instead he plops a six pack of Diet Coke in her lap like it’s the friggin’ Taj Mahal of Christmas presents. Because, he said, “he knew how much she loved to drink it.” She was crestfallen to say the least. I felt bad for her to have been in the unfortunate situation of getting such a craptacular gift, but also for the fact that she probably thought he was insinuating that she was fat. Poor girl. I will say when I was 16, I got roses. Classy move, High School Boyfriend.
2. A battery recharging station. This little gem of a story came from my aesthetician, Charmin. She’s a whiz at hair removal and, I suspect, body part removal if things get hairy in the figurative sense as well. She said that the first Christmas she and her husband were together as a married couple, he was beside himself with glee at the prospect of her opening his present. It was rectangular, about 14x6, and felt somewhat heavy. Charm, being the girly girl that she is, had all kinds of wonderful things in mind when holding this Pandora’s box of opportunity, suspecting that it might be something in the way of a jewelry coffret with some sort of glittery bauble inside. She said Hubs kept telling her “it’s for both of us” (or bofus, to use common parlance), inferring that she would be happy and he would get laid. She eagerly ripped the paper off on Christmas morning to come face to face with a BRAND NEEEEEWWWW…Battery recharging station! To say that Hubs was in the doghouse for many, many cold nights to come is an understatement.
3. Anything you’ve already eaten or have no use for yourself. My beautiful and cool Aunt Helen fell victim to myriad ridiculously vomitous gifts Yuletide after Yuletide, courtesy of her drunkard of a mother in law, God rest her soul. See, my aunt was not so popular with Mommy Dearest; and so the acrimony MD felt, coupled with her drunken shopping sprees ending in the consumption of half her purchases, left my poor auntie in the clutches of a dysfunctional round robin of horror. One year, she received a banana hanger along with a half eaten jar of cocktail nuts; another year, a base to a punch bowl, sans the actual bowl. There are a host of other poorly chosen trinkets on this list, but out of respect for the dead, I’ll let the above be a lesson to you all: Don’t drink and gift.
4. Chanel No. 5. Now I know that it may sound silly to complain about something as nice as Chanel No.5, and granted, it is a pricey gift. I mean, even Marilyn Monroe said she wore it, and only it, to bed—which is why I wonder if perhaps JFK, and RFK, and Frank Sinatra, and Arthur Miller, etc. had no olfactory nerves, because that stuff STINKS. One spritz and suddenly you smell like the unwashed underpinnings of an 88 year old European woman. And good luck trying to get it off—I think the only thing that will get that smell off of you is skunk spray. So a word to the wise when choosing perfume (and using someone else’s bathroom)—just because you like the way it smells, doesn’t mean everybody else will. Let THEM choose.
Alright, that's all I've got. Let me know what horrible gifts you've gotten in the past and let's all have a Merry Chrismakwanzakkuh!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Name, Rank, and Serial Number
OK Ya’ll,
So I have to admit something—I love to watch certain reality shows. And one of those shows is about a bunch of crazy bitches who get together for a “bootcamp” with a professional match maker dude who breaks down to them exactly why they are a bunch of crazy bitches and can’t buy a date. Which got me to thinking, I wonder what this match maker would say to me? On the show, he gives each girl a nickname, the sort of moniker one doesn’t want to be saddled with on national television—ones like, Ms. Desperate and Ms. He’d-Rather-Gnaw-His-Own-Arm-Off-Than-Wake-Up-With-You. So I sat down and analyzed a little bit about myself to see what name would fit. Here’s what I’ve come up with as “characteristics” about my persona:
1.Ms. Nerdy—I LOVE trivia games, and my favorite TV show is Jeopardy. You will be hard pressed to beat me at Trivial Pursuit as I am an overachiever in almost everything I do. I am an academic slut. I have a favorite dinosaur and even know a song about it (the Stegosaurus, if you must know). I am fascinated by science (biological, not chemical), how things work, and used to read the dictionary for fun. I also have the Merriam-Webster word of the day emailed to me, and usually already know the meanings. I love dorky jokes and sci-fi movies, but refuse to dress up like Princess Leia until I drop 20 lbs.
2.Ms. Loudmouth—I am ridiculously loud at times, and love nothing more than a giant, bohunkin’, gut-busting laugh. I have been accused of being too quiet when I first meet people, but only because I am observing before I unleash the madness. I will yell, holler, chortle, and generally make a fool of myself at a volume that is best described as “11.” It’s best not to compete with me unless you truly want to get kicked out for disorderly conduct.
3.Ms. Filthy—I have also been accused of being “the dirtiest person I know” by many people, but it seems to be most shocking to the menfolk. I love an off-color joke, and I know a lot of them, and I usually tell them at the aforementioned volume of “11.” I also tend to think or act in a way that has been described as “like a dude,” which I think means that I am generally unapologetic for my crassness and tend to sneak out of a guy’s house at 4 am after sex. I realize that many people may find this unladylike, or uncouth, and it’s not that I am without my manners. I’m fully capable of putting on the good girl personality and hobnobbing with the high falutin’ crowd. But I also find that life is so much more pruriently enjoyable when you’ve heard my version of The Aristocrats.
4.Ms. Class Clown—I make people laugh, end of story. I don’t care what it takes, I will make an utterly ridiculous spectacle of myself if it gets you to crack a smile. I also tend to have a mean streak a mile wide coupled with a quick wit that gets me in trouble a lot. But even though it might get me fired, or get me permanently kicked out of your house, I guarantee it was funny when I said it. If you don’t laugh at least once when I’m around you, then your laugher is broken. Or you have no brain.
So there you go folks. Those are a few of my most outstanding qualities. I’ll let you decide what my Match Maker Moniker should be. I’m sure everyone’s opinion is different, or perhaps you have a combo for me. Let me know!
So I have to admit something—I love to watch certain reality shows. And one of those shows is about a bunch of crazy bitches who get together for a “bootcamp” with a professional match maker dude who breaks down to them exactly why they are a bunch of crazy bitches and can’t buy a date. Which got me to thinking, I wonder what this match maker would say to me? On the show, he gives each girl a nickname, the sort of moniker one doesn’t want to be saddled with on national television—ones like, Ms. Desperate and Ms. He’d-Rather-Gnaw-His-Own-Arm-Off-Than-Wake-Up-With-You. So I sat down and analyzed a little bit about myself to see what name would fit. Here’s what I’ve come up with as “characteristics” about my persona:
1.Ms. Nerdy—I LOVE trivia games, and my favorite TV show is Jeopardy. You will be hard pressed to beat me at Trivial Pursuit as I am an overachiever in almost everything I do. I am an academic slut. I have a favorite dinosaur and even know a song about it (the Stegosaurus, if you must know). I am fascinated by science (biological, not chemical), how things work, and used to read the dictionary for fun. I also have the Merriam-Webster word of the day emailed to me, and usually already know the meanings. I love dorky jokes and sci-fi movies, but refuse to dress up like Princess Leia until I drop 20 lbs.
2.Ms. Loudmouth—I am ridiculously loud at times, and love nothing more than a giant, bohunkin’, gut-busting laugh. I have been accused of being too quiet when I first meet people, but only because I am observing before I unleash the madness. I will yell, holler, chortle, and generally make a fool of myself at a volume that is best described as “11.” It’s best not to compete with me unless you truly want to get kicked out for disorderly conduct.
3.Ms. Filthy—I have also been accused of being “the dirtiest person I know” by many people, but it seems to be most shocking to the menfolk. I love an off-color joke, and I know a lot of them, and I usually tell them at the aforementioned volume of “11.” I also tend to think or act in a way that has been described as “like a dude,” which I think means that I am generally unapologetic for my crassness and tend to sneak out of a guy’s house at 4 am after sex. I realize that many people may find this unladylike, or uncouth, and it’s not that I am without my manners. I’m fully capable of putting on the good girl personality and hobnobbing with the high falutin’ crowd. But I also find that life is so much more pruriently enjoyable when you’ve heard my version of The Aristocrats.
4.Ms. Class Clown—I make people laugh, end of story. I don’t care what it takes, I will make an utterly ridiculous spectacle of myself if it gets you to crack a smile. I also tend to have a mean streak a mile wide coupled with a quick wit that gets me in trouble a lot. But even though it might get me fired, or get me permanently kicked out of your house, I guarantee it was funny when I said it. If you don’t laugh at least once when I’m around you, then your laugher is broken. Or you have no brain.
So there you go folks. Those are a few of my most outstanding qualities. I’ll let you decide what my Match Maker Moniker should be. I’m sure everyone’s opinion is different, or perhaps you have a combo for me. Let me know!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Open Up and Say Aahh..
OK Ya’ll,
So it’s been a little bit, but I’m back. The Big E has been a busy girl, doing a world tour of sales knowledge and amazing feats of strength for the people of East Tennessee. While I was traveling the width of the Volunteer State, I got to thinking about a few things, and one of those was K-I-S-S-I-N-G. The long lost are of the smooch is something that I think is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. A bad kiss can ruin your mo faster than anything, and a really good one can turn an “ok guy” into “Holy Shit!” in a total ecumenical about-face. So let me expound upon some of the kissing techniques I find to be the most loathsome of the bunch. You know, so you can be prepared to NOT do these things the next time you go in for the kill.
1.The Jackhammer—This person is of the mindset that if a little action is good, repeated, forceful, thrusting action in your oral cavity is even better. They have not heard the adage “less is more when frenching your friends.” Sometimes this person is so vigorous in their activity that they become The Hummingbird, causing one to feel as though they have been assaulted without even registering what happened because it was all over so quickly. So please, for your safety and the comfort of others, take it slow and take it easy. You do not, however, want to become:
2.The Dead Fish—This person is the polar opposite of the Jackhammer. They feel that exhibiting their affection is best done through the placement of their tongue in your mouth and leaving it there. Their torpor could also be misconstrued as laziness, but in actuality, I believe this person is simply under-informed. Somewhere along the way they have grasped the notion that French kissing is all about putting your tongue in someone’s mouth, but they were absent on day two of the presentation regarding appropriate levels of movement and force. Thus, they employ the Dead Fish, and subsequently remove themselves from your dating pool in one fell swoop.
3.The Python—This poor sap possesses a jaw that becomes unhinged when smooching their partner, and said partner feels that they are, in fact, being consumed by Kaa in the Jungle Book. Sometimes in the heat of passion, one feels the need to kiss a little more deeply or openly, but let’s try not to Hoover someone’s face off, shall we? Not only will it save you a doctor’s visit for TMJ, but it will also instill your date with the confidence that you are not a predatory cannibal with a penchant for herpetology.
4.The Slobberpuss—This fine specimen has salivary glands that work overtime and the product of this hyperactivity usually ends up slathered all over your face. Sometimes the Slobberpuss even enjoys licking their prey to the point of pruniness. My advice to you? Swallow, and swallow often. Do not eat Sour Patch Kids immediately before kissing. And for Pete’s sake, do not let your tongue wander outside of the established parameters of the lips!
5.The Spelunker—This Nightmare on Smooch Street has not mastered the power of retraction. They find that if your tonsils have not been properly polished, then their job has not been completed. Sometimes the Spelunker may just be in possession of an abnormally large tongue and it unintentionally chokes you, or they may just not realize that the mouth is an entryway to the digestive system and thus should be treated like a foyer and not a dining hall. Either way, Gene Simmons called, and he said you’re cramping his style.
Ok peeps! That’s all I’ve got for you. Feel free to leave me your bad kissing stories or reprehensible kissing methods, along with other comments, rants, raves, and questions!
So it’s been a little bit, but I’m back. The Big E has been a busy girl, doing a world tour of sales knowledge and amazing feats of strength for the people of East Tennessee. While I was traveling the width of the Volunteer State, I got to thinking about a few things, and one of those was K-I-S-S-I-N-G. The long lost are of the smooch is something that I think is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. A bad kiss can ruin your mo faster than anything, and a really good one can turn an “ok guy” into “Holy Shit!” in a total ecumenical about-face. So let me expound upon some of the kissing techniques I find to be the most loathsome of the bunch. You know, so you can be prepared to NOT do these things the next time you go in for the kill.
1.The Jackhammer—This person is of the mindset that if a little action is good, repeated, forceful, thrusting action in your oral cavity is even better. They have not heard the adage “less is more when frenching your friends.” Sometimes this person is so vigorous in their activity that they become The Hummingbird, causing one to feel as though they have been assaulted without even registering what happened because it was all over so quickly. So please, for your safety and the comfort of others, take it slow and take it easy. You do not, however, want to become:
2.The Dead Fish—This person is the polar opposite of the Jackhammer. They feel that exhibiting their affection is best done through the placement of their tongue in your mouth and leaving it there. Their torpor could also be misconstrued as laziness, but in actuality, I believe this person is simply under-informed. Somewhere along the way they have grasped the notion that French kissing is all about putting your tongue in someone’s mouth, but they were absent on day two of the presentation regarding appropriate levels of movement and force. Thus, they employ the Dead Fish, and subsequently remove themselves from your dating pool in one fell swoop.
3.The Python—This poor sap possesses a jaw that becomes unhinged when smooching their partner, and said partner feels that they are, in fact, being consumed by Kaa in the Jungle Book. Sometimes in the heat of passion, one feels the need to kiss a little more deeply or openly, but let’s try not to Hoover someone’s face off, shall we? Not only will it save you a doctor’s visit for TMJ, but it will also instill your date with the confidence that you are not a predatory cannibal with a penchant for herpetology.
4.The Slobberpuss—This fine specimen has salivary glands that work overtime and the product of this hyperactivity usually ends up slathered all over your face. Sometimes the Slobberpuss even enjoys licking their prey to the point of pruniness. My advice to you? Swallow, and swallow often. Do not eat Sour Patch Kids immediately before kissing. And for Pete’s sake, do not let your tongue wander outside of the established parameters of the lips!
5.The Spelunker—This Nightmare on Smooch Street has not mastered the power of retraction. They find that if your tonsils have not been properly polished, then their job has not been completed. Sometimes the Spelunker may just be in possession of an abnormally large tongue and it unintentionally chokes you, or they may just not realize that the mouth is an entryway to the digestive system and thus should be treated like a foyer and not a dining hall. Either way, Gene Simmons called, and he said you’re cramping his style.
Ok peeps! That’s all I’ve got for you. Feel free to leave me your bad kissing stories or reprehensible kissing methods, along with other comments, rants, raves, and questions!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
OK Ya’ll,
So I’ve been researching a little bit about the subject of loneliness as of late. Everyone knows that there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely, and while it’s nice to be alone (especially when you have a stage 5 clinger on your hands), it’s not all that fun to be lonely. I know a little about both such feelings, seeing as how I live by myself and have ample time to be alone and sometimes that makes me feel lonely. Sometimes it just makes me thankful that all I have to deal with is two cats and a pile of dishes I don’t have to put in the dishwasher if I don’t want to. Anyhoosle, the more I thought about the topic of loneliness, the more I noticed a pattern of behavior that stems from loneliness in most people. Here’s my take on what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real—real lonely, that is:
1.Unplanned pregnancies skyrocket. Loneliness is simply a feeling of isolation and withdrawal from positive human interaction. And what happens when people who want some interaction don’t get it? They go looking for it at the closest establishment that serves up liquor and loosely moral-ed members of the opposite sex. And what does that lead to? Doing it! Doing it under any circumstances, including without the prerequisite blood test and prophylactic devices! And we all know that the result of such interactions is many times a single mom at the PTA meeting with an embarrassing story to tell when it comes around to signing up for the couple’s retreat. I’m not saying it’s wrong to go out and get you some strange when you feel like it, but for Pete’s sake, make sure you’ve got some form of birth control about you when your wits aren’t.
2.Feelings develop unexpectedly. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen it happen—people date someone out of loneliness and nothing better to do and end up mired in a ridiculous situation they would never have gotten into if they hadn’t been so tired of sitting on the couch on a Friday night. Before you convince yourself that Bud ‘just needs some inspiration’ to get a job but is otherwise a great catch despite living in his mother’s basement, try taking a good hard look in the mirror, Sissy. You’re lonely and you’re letting this whole doomed exercise in failure get started because you’re bored. Ask yourself—if I had a whole passel of eligible suitors, would I be looking twice at this dimwit, knuckle-dragging cretin? I doubt it. So get a cat instead—they’re a lot more company, and they don’t ever make you switch the channel to NASCAR when you’re trying to watch an America’s Next Top Model marathon.
3.The plug doesn’t get pulled. I’ve seen this one a lot, too—people let things go on and on and on because they’re afraid of being lonely. So they stay in a galactically stupid dating situation for months, sometimes years, on end. They think that “he/she will come around” or that the person will wake up one day and realize, “hey, I’ve really had an epiphany and I think I’m going to stop sleeping around on you, taking all your money, ignoring your pleas to spend time together, and be an upstanding human being that values your feelings!” Guess what, sweet cheeks? It ain’t happening. Like I always say, GOMO—Get Over it, Move On. There’s nothing left of this relationship but a hollowed out husk of a love story that never should have happened. What’s the worst that can happen? Oh yeah—they get half your stuff and joint custody every other weekend.
4.You show up on an episode of Cheaters. It is possible to be in a relationship and be lonely. Especially if one of the parties is not exactly home all the time or not attentive to the needs of the other. Long distance relationships are breeding grounds for cheating. If you don’t see each other at least once a month, there’s going to be some seriously pent up physical tension going on, and someone’s got to be on the receiving end of it. Let’s face it, you’ve only got two hands, and even that gets boring. So what happens? Sweetykins goes down to the very same establishment we mentioned earlier that serves liquor and loose morals, and comes home 9 months later to tell you something you don’t want to hear. I’m not saying everyone in a long distance relationship that doesn’t see their significant other very often ends up cheating or getting cheated on, but the odds are against you, friend. That said, cheating can occur when both parties are in the same town, in the same house even. If the relationship itself isn’t very solid, if emotional needs aren’t being met, then that can lead to loneliness. And if your honey isn’t getting what they need at home, they can stray. So let’s take a note from that and go home and do something nice for our significant others. Like the adage goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
That’s it for this week! Send me your rants, raves, comments, and questions!
So I’ve been researching a little bit about the subject of loneliness as of late. Everyone knows that there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely, and while it’s nice to be alone (especially when you have a stage 5 clinger on your hands), it’s not all that fun to be lonely. I know a little about both such feelings, seeing as how I live by myself and have ample time to be alone and sometimes that makes me feel lonely. Sometimes it just makes me thankful that all I have to deal with is two cats and a pile of dishes I don’t have to put in the dishwasher if I don’t want to. Anyhoosle, the more I thought about the topic of loneliness, the more I noticed a pattern of behavior that stems from loneliness in most people. Here’s my take on what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real—real lonely, that is:
1.Unplanned pregnancies skyrocket. Loneliness is simply a feeling of isolation and withdrawal from positive human interaction. And what happens when people who want some interaction don’t get it? They go looking for it at the closest establishment that serves up liquor and loosely moral-ed members of the opposite sex. And what does that lead to? Doing it! Doing it under any circumstances, including without the prerequisite blood test and prophylactic devices! And we all know that the result of such interactions is many times a single mom at the PTA meeting with an embarrassing story to tell when it comes around to signing up for the couple’s retreat. I’m not saying it’s wrong to go out and get you some strange when you feel like it, but for Pete’s sake, make sure you’ve got some form of birth control about you when your wits aren’t.
2.Feelings develop unexpectedly. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen it happen—people date someone out of loneliness and nothing better to do and end up mired in a ridiculous situation they would never have gotten into if they hadn’t been so tired of sitting on the couch on a Friday night. Before you convince yourself that Bud ‘just needs some inspiration’ to get a job but is otherwise a great catch despite living in his mother’s basement, try taking a good hard look in the mirror, Sissy. You’re lonely and you’re letting this whole doomed exercise in failure get started because you’re bored. Ask yourself—if I had a whole passel of eligible suitors, would I be looking twice at this dimwit, knuckle-dragging cretin? I doubt it. So get a cat instead—they’re a lot more company, and they don’t ever make you switch the channel to NASCAR when you’re trying to watch an America’s Next Top Model marathon.
3.The plug doesn’t get pulled. I’ve seen this one a lot, too—people let things go on and on and on because they’re afraid of being lonely. So they stay in a galactically stupid dating situation for months, sometimes years, on end. They think that “he/she will come around” or that the person will wake up one day and realize, “hey, I’ve really had an epiphany and I think I’m going to stop sleeping around on you, taking all your money, ignoring your pleas to spend time together, and be an upstanding human being that values your feelings!” Guess what, sweet cheeks? It ain’t happening. Like I always say, GOMO—Get Over it, Move On. There’s nothing left of this relationship but a hollowed out husk of a love story that never should have happened. What’s the worst that can happen? Oh yeah—they get half your stuff and joint custody every other weekend.
4.You show up on an episode of Cheaters. It is possible to be in a relationship and be lonely. Especially if one of the parties is not exactly home all the time or not attentive to the needs of the other. Long distance relationships are breeding grounds for cheating. If you don’t see each other at least once a month, there’s going to be some seriously pent up physical tension going on, and someone’s got to be on the receiving end of it. Let’s face it, you’ve only got two hands, and even that gets boring. So what happens? Sweetykins goes down to the very same establishment we mentioned earlier that serves liquor and loose morals, and comes home 9 months later to tell you something you don’t want to hear. I’m not saying everyone in a long distance relationship that doesn’t see their significant other very often ends up cheating or getting cheated on, but the odds are against you, friend. That said, cheating can occur when both parties are in the same town, in the same house even. If the relationship itself isn’t very solid, if emotional needs aren’t being met, then that can lead to loneliness. And if your honey isn’t getting what they need at home, they can stray. So let’s take a note from that and go home and do something nice for our significant others. Like the adage goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
That’s it for this week! Send me your rants, raves, comments, and questions!
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