Thursday, June 16, 2011

Cool It Now

OK Y’all,
So I just read this article online about a guy who is willing to donate half his salary as a gift to a charity of your choice, if—and here’s the kicker—you are a lady of age 18-49 who is willing to marry this chump. Yes, you read that right…he’s breaking the cardinal rule of the Beatles and trying to use money to buy love. This fellow has a blogger site just like I have here, and he has posted 38 reasons why single women should love him but don’t. Let me just give you a few examples of these ‘reasons’ and you can tell me what you think after I tell you what I think (Granted, many of these reasons are meant to be tongue in cheek, but I find it a fatally flawed approach on several levels. I like humor as much as the next girl, but this guy is not funny, he’s just sad).
1. He says he has bad skin so he will ‘grow a beard for you.’ I understand that everyone gets a zit now and again, and some get them more than others. But you do not, I repeat DO NOT, need to advertise this fact if you are trying to attract ladies. Even if you think it is funny and disarmingly honest, I am here to tell you it is TMI and you will not profit from it. Guaranteed the first thing any gal is thinking when she reads that lil tidbit is, OMG this dude is a walking Proactiv before picture—Abort! Abort! Chicks don’t want to sit and think about all your grody comedogenic issues and reminding girls about it is certainly not helping your case. In this instance, being self-deprecating is not winning you any points, it’s just grossing out your potential mates who would have otherwise not even noticed or chosen to overlook your dermatological maladies.
2. He says he has never had a girlfriend, ever. Now, this fellow is 38 years old, and he looks a lot like Andy Torres on Cougar Town. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look it up. Seriously, do it now. I’ll wait…..ok, great. Now, I’m sure there is a segment of the female population who digs that look. I am not one of them, but there is somebody for everybody. He has tried multiple methods of procuring a date, including online dating, and has done some stupid things for women he was interested in. So I therefore find it a bit odd that he would not have at least dated a girl here and there for a month or two until she opened the medicine cabinet and found all of his Clean and Clear products. But, assuming that he is not trying to be humorous and he really hasn’t had a lady companion, I have to imagine the sole reason for that is a little thing we call Desperation. Chicks can smell it on you a mile away, just like dudes can. Best case scenario you might get someone to take advantage of your pathetic situation and throw you a pity lay here and there, but if you’re serious about acquiring the company of a honest to god woman, you can’t come off as even slightly desperate. Women like self confident men; guys who could give two shits if they have a date on Friday night as long as there is a sporting event and beer nearby. Women like to feel as if you have chosen their company over all others, not like they are being trailed by a stalker who has nothing going for them.
3. He took a picture of himself without a shirt on and then makes fun of how hairy and chunky he is. Again, I cannot reiterate this enough, WE GET IT. I have dated plenty of guys who were not exactly Dash Riprock in the physical fitness department and I had absolutely no problem with it. In fact, I like my dudes a little chunky. And I am not Miss America either. I have ‘problem areas’ that I could work on. But I am also not willingly posting photos of said areas and telling men that I have more to love. I sometimes get caught in photos during the summer in my swimsuit and that is mortifying enough. So keep it covered, buddy. Any self respecting gal is not going to look at that photo and think, ‘wow, what I really need is an acne riddled Wookiee in my life to keep me company.’
Those are just a few of the reasons he gives, and there are many more. Some are very heartfelt, like his penchant for rescuing animals and being reliable. But if you are trying to present yourself in the best light possible, some things are best left to the imagination, or at least to the third date. There is such a thing as being too honest and too self-deprecating. It makes you look like you have zero self-esteem, and that is not attractive. Calling yourself “Handsome Paul” and saying such things doesn’t help either.
Ok, that’s all I’ve got—give me your thoughts, rants, raves, comments. Just don’t tell me about your skin care regimen.