I know that you know that I know!

OK Ya’ll,
So in the past few weeks I’ve been thinking about a little thing called trust. Not for any reason in particular, but just from general observation and a few conversations I’ve had, it seems that there are plenty of people out there with trust issues. Some are justified, some have too much where they shouldn’t, and some have too little where they should have more. It seems to me that one’s level of trust is based upon two things: self-esteem and past experience. And by level of trust, I mean what level you generally have going into the initial dating phase. Are you someone who is generally untrusting until someone earns it, or are you someone who trusts someone until they give you a reason not to, etc. etc. Allow me to elaborate on the two things I find to be behind most folks lack of trust.
Self-esteem: This usually has to do with a big, fat, trust issue called jealousy. In general I’ve found that the jealous party somehow doesn’t feel worthy of the person they’re dating, so they get suspicious of any and all friends or acquaintances of the opposite sex, and fighting ensues. A bit of teasing is fun and keeps your date on his/her toes, makes them feel like a hot commodity, and can be a bit of an aphrodisiac. Digging through their wallet the second they leave the room, poring over their text and call log on their phone, and hacking into their email/social networking sites is just plain nuts. Now I’m not saying all suspicion is wrong, but there’s a line between a healthy respect for the boundaries of a relationship and when they get crossed, and batshit crazy because you don’t feel like your significant other pays enough attention to you. Jealousy does nothing but make the other person run the other way and make you feel worse about yourself. My motto has always been, “if you want her, then that bitch can have you. But you know you’ll never find better.” I don’t get jealous because I feel like I’m good enough, smart enough, and dammit, people like me. I’ve got a lot to offer, and whoever it is I date is generally cool enough to appreciate it and know what he’s got. And I’m secure enough in myself to know that I’m smart enough to recognize the difference between a friend and a threat. Here’s a little tip—instead of alienating every person of the opposite sex that your beloved knows, why don’t you make friends with them and get to know them? Then you’ve got not only the “cool boy/girlfriend” moniker on lockdown, but you’ve also got a handle on who’s bluff you’re going to have to call. You might even make a friend or two in the process.
One of the other classic signs of bad self-esteem that is related to jealousy is smothering. In my humble opinion, The Smotherer is nothing more than a Green-Eyed Monster in disguise. Sure, it’s nice to be wanted, but not 24 hours a day. The Smotherer basically wraps up their whole identity in you as a couple and has very few outside interests. Everyone needs some time apart to do their own thing—scratch, burp, fart, and pick at stuff without someone sitting right next to you to get the color commentary. The Smotherer generally feels that if they’re not with you, then you’re either off doing something you shouldn’t, or you don’t care about spending time with them so they must not be worth it. This is just bad self-esteem wrapped up in a guilt trip, and you don’t need it. My advice—move. Or get them a hobby.
Past Experience: This goes hand in hand with self-esteem many times. So you’ve been burned before—you’ve been cheated on, or you’ve been lied to, or your date didn’t turn out to be everything you had hoped and more. Sure, there’s a time where it’s ok to feel like all men/women are complete shitbirds and you don’t need them, but then you have to move on. This is where most people get into a classic vicious cycle, because they never move on and then end up in another relationship fueled by mistrust, bad self-esteem, smothering, and jealousy, and that usually ends in a restraining order. The moving on is the most important step, people! The next person you date is not Stanley Stand-Me Up or Harriet The Harlot. They are an individual worthy of your time and trust and they deserve a shot. Don’t punish them for what others did to you in the past. I’ve had plenty of bum deals in my life. But I don’t hold it against the next guy, because it’s not fair to me and it’s certainly not fair to him. So if I’m still harboring some ill will or some feelings of inferiority against the male species, I try not to let myself get into a dating situation right away. Everyone’s timeline is different, so it may take you longer than it takes your friends. But DO NOT date until you’re over it! Otherwise you and your date will suffer and you’ll end up getting dumped again, which will breed more bitterness, which leads to the next person getting the jealous treatment—see where I’m going with this?
There’s one other thing I’d like to add here, and that’s that some people can actually be too trusting. I call this one Naivete. Basically you’re too dumb to realize what’s going on or in serious denial because you don’t want to believe your sweet, loving Pookieface could ever step out on you or treat you wrong. Generally, the Naivete leads to getting burned, which then can cause The Jealous Kook or The Smotherer. I am the kind of gal who, when she’s pretty far into a relationship and something fishy comes about, tries to give her man the benefit of the doubt. But when things start getting too obvious for words, or when everyone else in your social circle has an eyebrow raised but you, it’s time to re-evaluate. If they aren’t doing what they say they will when they’ve normally been reliable, when they have an excuse for not seeing you even though it’s been weeks, maybe even months, get with the program, sweetie. It’s just like this: If they want to see you, they’ll make it happen. Otherwise, they’re probably banging some skank down at the local watering hole. It’s the old adage that everyone’s heard but no one seems to take to heart: “Don’t make someone your priority when you are only their option.” So let’s all do ourselves a favor and get our minds right. It’ll save your heart some ache.

It Depends On What Your Definition of "IS" is...

OK Ya’ll,
So a couple of girlfriends and I recently went to see a movie called “The Ugly Truth.” It looked like a cute Friday-night-with-your-ladies type of film that we could all sit back and enjoy as mindless fun for a couple of hours. It was true to the genre of lonely girl meets douchebag with a secret heart of gold. Of course hijinx ensue as we see the douchebag start to fall for lonely girl, and watch lonely girl debate whether to be with the guy she thinks is “safe” or get involved with the guy who acts like a royal dickcheese but she’s certain he just needs a girl who understands. So obviously she goes with the screwed-over douche, only to be rebuffed in a big miscommunication, and her anger at the situation causes a revenge plot that proceeds to win him over after he has an epiphany about his caddish behavior and everyone lives happily ever after. Frankly friends, the only thing “truthful” about this movie was that you knew the whole thing was going to end in a big, fat, UGLY breakup somewhere down the road after the movie is over; after he’s been out drinking with the boys, ogling women and smoking cigars one too many times, while she’s been sitting at home with the damn cat, drinking wine and watching too much Oprah. I mean, come ON! Why does Hollywood insist on continuing to force-feed us bullshit stories like this? Because secretly we want to believe that people are good at their core, that their very nature is not a fucktard in hiding, but a lovely human being waiting for their best intentions to bloom with the right nuturing. That this person you see before you is just putting up a front to weed out the sick and the old, and deep down inside they’re just a scared puppy in need of love and affection. And these movies we watch reinforce these notions. They don’t ever give you the “Ugly Truth,” they give you the “Processed Truth.” The truth is, people lie, they cheat, and they hurt other people. And I don’t think that’s because they have been hurt before, or they have been “misunderstood” or whatever, it’s because people are not good at their core. They are mean, spiteful, and selfish. We act good, we act kind, and we put on a lot of artifice about our innocence, but way down deep we’ve got nothing but our own proud self-centered nature that drives us to do the things we do sometimes. Like my old pal Michael Jackson used to sing: “If they say why, why? Tell ‘em that it’s human nature.” It goes all the way back to Adam and Eve. Eve was sitting around nekkid in the garden minding her own business when she got approached by The Serpent. He offered her something that she thought God wouldn’t give her: an upper-hand. So what did she do? She took it. She took it and ran with it. And got Adam implicated in the deal too. Eve didn’t eat the fruit out of the goodness of her heart, or because she didn’t want to hurt The Serpent’s feelings, or because she wanted to keep him from getting hurt the way she got hurt. She didn’t know about any of that. She did it because she was pulled over to the dark side by her own free will. And therein lies the rub, friends. Who’s to say who the first person was to screw somebody else over? Think about it—you’d have to do some pretty extensive research to trace all the way back to where all this trickeration started. Personally, I have no idea what has made some guys I’ve dated act the way they have except for pure old unadulterated meanness. I know I’ve done some morally reprehensible things in my day for no other reason than selfishness. I wanted what I wanted and I didn’t care who got hurt in the process; I didn’t even give it another thought because I was thinking about me and me only. Selfless, kind, sweet people are not born, they’re made. I am a good person because I have chosen to be a good person, and take my life down a path that is generally upstanding and of moral consequence. I can play dumb, pretend I didn’t know that I had hurt someone’s feelings or stepped over the line when I know good and well that I did it knowingly and in spite of the consequences. Because when the “ugly truth” appears, I’m still bad to the bone.

That's A Dealbreaker, Ladies!

OK Ya'll,
So I entitled this latest post with a tagline from one of my favorite shows, 30 Rock. In the show, Tina Fey is a writer for a sketch comedy show and one of the sketches that has become most popular is one in which Jane Krakowski plays a "relationship expert/talk show host." She advises her guests about matters of the heart and when she recognizes a peccadillo that could be considered a fatal flaw, she bellows "That's a dealbreaker, ladies!" in a grating New Yawk accent. Now, I'm not from the NYC, although I do have a lovely accent I can put on, but I do know a thing or two about deals and how they become irretrievably broken. So in the spirit of the Millionaire Matchmaker meets Tyra Banks, allow me to indulge my ego and share with you a few of the things I feel are dealbreakers all around and those that can be overlooked or tolerated with time. Or as I like to call it, The Great Compromise. Or the 80/20 Rule if you're a Dr. Phil follower. That is to say, 80% of the stuff your significant other does is fine, the other 20% you can get over or deal with or isn't going to end up causing you to scream at the top of your lungs "for the love of GAWD, STOP IT!" I've seen plenty of relationships, some of my own and some of other people's, go down like the Hindenburg because they didn't think it through. So here's my advice. Take it or leave it, but don't say I didn't warn you.
1. Don't get your wagon hitched to someone not on your spiritual level. Now I'm not talking about both of you clearing your aura or having good karma, unless that's your thing, but I'm talking more about religious views (or lack thereof). I happen to be a Christian girl with some pretty strong convictions about certain things, and while I don't expect everyone to agree with me on everything, I do expect the person I share the rest of my life with to have the same basic values and beliefs. I don't care so much that you're a Baptist or a Methodist or Catholic, but we have to see eye to eye on what's happening after we shuffle off this mortal coil and how it is we come to that post life party. This is a tricky thing sometimes, because you don't always know what your potential mate is into until a little further in the game. And sometimes it's tough to extricate yourself from that situation. I spent a good 2.5 years with someone that I knew in the first 6 months wasn't on my plane, but I fought it with every ounce of my being. I wanted him to be different. I wanted to be a positive influence. All I got was somebody who consistently mocked my faith and made me feel like an idiot. I'm telling you now, it doesn't matter how hot he or she is, if you're "unequally yoked" (to put it Biblically), you're going to have problems. Especially if you want to have kids. Because everybody knows that Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise do not a happy couple make. And nobody wants to be glib about post-partum depression.
2. You think he/she will change. Sure, you can vote for it all you want, but let me let you in on a little secret--people don't change. They may change behaviors temporarily, but they don't change who they are at their core. Sometimes the things you think will change are serious issues, sometimes they're little idiosyncrasies you wish would go away. But they won't. Thousands of people go through a lot of shit in their lives and they either rise above it or they sink down in it. But it's not your choice, it's theirs. And marriage/"a good talk"/promising to do better is not going to make it any different. Those 12 step programs have a little saying--you are always in "recovery." You're never a "used to be an alcoholic." You are always a "recovering alcoholic." Because once you think you have it licked, that's when the beast rears it's ugly head and strikes back ten times more forcefully. Same concept for anything you consider to be a problem-- if you see something that's a red flag now, get it taken care of now and get out. Don't wait until you're sitting around alone and lonely wondering what in the hell happened. I know that sounds a little serious or overbearing, but I'm telling you, even a tiny string can unravel an entire cocktail dress if you pick at it long enough. And nobody wants to end up being the one wearing the Emperor's New Clothes.
3. If you don't trust them, don't date (or marry) them. I don't know how many stories I have heard from people (women mostly) who should be in a Peanuts strip because they are so Snoopy. They hack into emails, social networking accounts, wallets, cell phones, etc etc and then get all upset when they find something they didn't want to see. Well guess what honey? If he had nothing to hide, you wouldn't be looking in the first place, so what are you doing with him? Think about it! Why are you digging around in his personal effects? To find a missing lotto ticket or some gum? NO! You don't trust him. Either he's done something to make you mistrust him, or you're paranoid. Who wants to go through life like that? So quit snooping and move on. Or get some professional assistance for your trust issues. Because you will never rest at night feeling like there's something he's hiding.
4. Naggers and Clingers never win. This is where you have to decide if the 20% of stuff that irks you is worth dealing with 95% of the time. So he doesn't take the garbage out like you asked him, or she doesn't put the dishes in the dishwasher. You know this. It's not news to you. But what do you do? You get in a fight once a week about the effen garbage. That's not what the real issue is, and you know it. So either figure out what your problem is and really address it, or put the dishes in the dishwasher yourself. Nagging is not going to get you anywhere except out on the street on your lovely hiney. Right next to the garbage.
Clinginess can also be a real drag to deal with, and a lot of times it has to do with rule #3. I don't know how many people smother their boyfriend/girlfriend because they don't trust them. If you are constantly suctioned to the side of your inamorata like our old seafaring friend the remora, then you're going to earn the resentment of your significant other if they value their independence even one little iota. Guys like to go out and have drinks with the boys; girls like to get together and drink cosmos and have Pure Romance parties. Let 'em go. I promise they'll come home if they really like you. Just don't go snooping through their stuff when they do.
There's another form of clinginess I'd like to address briefly as well; I call it the "Body Bubble Boundary." If you're anything like me, you're a pretty cuddly person when in private. I enjoy piling up on or crawling under the Snuggie with my significant other while lounging on the couch, and I have been prone to episodes of smoochiness on occasion. But when in public, please, for your own dignity and the digestive health of those around you, keep it clean and keep it in your pants. Holding hands, an arm around the shoulder or waist, fine. Maybe even a light peck on the cheek. The hands in the back pockets, spit bathing one another, and generally icky schmoopiness that's best reserved for a grossly overweight gal and her uber-skinny, bemulleted amour at the fair, NO. Save it for the trailer park folks. You don't want to earn the reputation as one of the worst races in all of intergalactic history: The Clingon.
Alright, that's it for this week folks. Send me your rants, raves, comments, and questions. Happy Dating!