OK Ya'll,
So this week I thought I would post a few thoughts about activities one should embark upon before they take the ol' trip to Ball-And-Chain-Ville. I was cleaning the Casa de Big E (no, that's not a joke, I really was in the mood to clean it) the other day and I came across a book that an ex got me that was one of those "99 things a woman should do before she dies" jobs and it got me thinking. I don't know how many people I've come across, both male and female, who just haul off and get married without really getting the chance to live a little. Maybe it's just me, but I just think there's something to be said for taking a step out there. So here's my suggestions for pre-nuptial discovery.
1. Live on your own. And I mean, really truly on your own, no roommates, no shacking up, no whatever, but in a place where only your name is on the lease. I know so many people who have gone from Mom and Daddy's to co-habitation with their Cuddlebug and have no idea how to make it on their own. I honestly think this lack of independent homeostasis is the main reason people get all co-dependent with their significant others and subsequently keep the psychology industry in full swing. I mean, sure it's great to have the one you love nearby, but what happens when things don't work out? You end up going back to Mom and Daddy's at an age where it's wildly inappropriate to say you still live at home, or you end up sleeping in your friend's basement on their mildewed hand me down college couch that probably still has bodily fluids on it from college. So take it from your old pal The Big E--get out there and live on your own. I'd say do it for at least a year. Not only do you learn how to take care of yourself better, but you learn a valuable lesson--how to be a person that is wholly you, not part of "You and Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Whatever" or "The Smith's Kid Who Still Lives At Home." It's called independence, people, and it is sorely underrated in this day and age. Big E has been in her own little domicile for the past 8 or 9 years now, and I can't tell you how much I enjoy it. I have the freedom to come and go as I please, the freedom to leave my underwear laying in the bathroom floor, and the freedom of knowing that I can take care of myself without having to depend on anyone else financially or emotionally. Sometimes I even paint my face up like William Wallace in Braveheart and yell "FREEDOOOOOOOOM!" from the window of my condo. Then my next door neighbor's dogs start barking like wicked Banshees and I shut it down and go wash my face. But hey, it feels great to know there's nobody to tell me it's past my curfew or to go get them a beer. Because you can't take care of other people without first taking care of Y-O-U.
2. Figure out who in the hell you are. This is sort of an addendum to #1 because I find that usually figuring out who you are comes most easily when you are on your own, simply because you have time to think about it without your mom asking you if you did your laundry or your significant other pestering you to "flip it over to the game already!" or whatever. Seriously, this is vitally important to success in life and in relationships, because figuring out what you want from life and for yourself is the best way to make sure you get it. Nobody says to themselves, "hey, I think I'll be a miserable hunk of shit for the next 30 years and let someone else run my life," but that's exactly what happens when you don't know what you want in the first place. It's like the old saying goes, "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." And failure to figure that out is the reason why shows like Tool Academy make it on the air. So do yourself a favor and get to know your likes, dislikes, dealbreakers, wants, needs, and secret career fantasies. You'll thank me when your sitting behind the CEO's desk in the highrise that is your super awesome life with a super awesome (and probably hot) spouse on their way to pick you up for lunch.
3. Learn from your mistakes. There are so many people in this world who get sucked into the same bad relationships over and over again, and then finally end up marrying one of them because they think "this time it'll be different." In the words of Tom Cruise in Rainman: let me let you in on a little secret, Ray. K-Mart sucks. So does going from one loser who didn't have their shit together to another loser with a whole other set of problems but still no visibly gathered shit. If your friends and everyone else you know keep telling you, "this is just like when you dated so-and-so" or "you seem to fall for the same type of guy/girl all the time" and that guy/girl makes Courtney Love look like the voice of reason, then take a little cue from your gut instinct and abandon ship. Figure out what it is that keeps attracting you to this type of sucktitude and get on the path to change. You'll be a lot better off, and your friends won't have to put up with another lame night out on the town with you and whats-his-nuts fighting the whole time.
4. Don't limit yourself. Now, I'm not saying that people don't meet the love of their lives at age 5, but I am saying you're probably not that person. So there is no reason for you to get yourself tied down really early in life. When I was in high school, my parents used to tell me not to get too serious with one guy, and I thought they were complete and total fuddy duddies. These days, I thank my lucky stars that I subconsciously took their advice and didn't get hot and heavy at 16. Sure, I had a boyfriend or two who broke my heart, but I never in a million years thought I would marry them. I had too much ambition and too many things to do and see to get married. And lets face it, no matter how smart you think you are at 16, 20, hell, even 25, YOU ARE AN IDIOT. I still have so much more to learn and do and become in this life, but I think at 30 I've at least got a handle on the aforementioned 1-3. So what I'm saying is, go out there and date. I mean really date. As in, go out with a wide variety of types and personalities. I've gone out with tall, short, funny, boring, blondes, brunettes, younger, older, etc etc. And I've learned so much more about myself and what I want, and especially what I don't want, to safely say I am confident in my list of items that are necessary for marriage. Limiting yourself to one or two long term relationships that weren't that productive in the first place is only going to limit your ability to be a good spouse, in my humble opinion. So seize the cheeseburger! Say yes! At least you'll get a free meal or a movie. At worst, you'll have a story to post in your very own blog someday.
Alrighty folks, that's all I got this week. Let me know your rants, raves, comments, and queries!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
That's A Dealbreaker, Ladies!
OK Ya'll,
So I entitled this latest post with a tagline from one of my favorite shows, 30 Rock. In the show, Tina Fey is a writer for a sketch comedy show and one of the sketches that has become most popular is one in which Jane Krakowski plays a "relationship expert/talk show host." She advises her guests about matters of the heart and when she recognizes a peccadillo that could be considered a fatal flaw, she bellows "That's a dealbreaker, ladies!" in a grating New Yawk accent. Now, I'm not from the NYC, although I do have a lovely accent I can put on, but I do know a thing or two about deals and how they become irretrievably broken. So in the spirit of the Millionaire Matchmaker meets Tyra Banks, allow me to indulge my ego and share with you a few of the things I feel are dealbreakers all around and those that can be overlooked or tolerated with time. Or as I like to call it, The Great Compromise. Or the 80/20 Rule if you're a Dr. Phil follower. That is to say, 80% of the stuff your significant other does is fine, the other 20% you can get over or deal with or isn't going to end up causing you to scream at the top of your lungs "for the love of GAWD, STOP IT!" I've seen plenty of relationships, some of my own and some of other people's, go down like the Hindenburg because they didn't think it through. So here's my advice. Take it or leave it, but don't say I didn't warn you.
1. Don't get your wagon hitched to someone not on your spiritual level. Now I'm not talking about both of you clearing your aura or having good karma, unless that's your thing, but I'm talking more about religious views (or lack thereof). I happen to be a Christian girl with some pretty strong convictions about certain things, and while I don't expect everyone to agree with me on everything, I do expect the person I share the rest of my life with to have the same basic values and beliefs. I don't care so much that you're a Baptist or a Methodist or Catholic, but we have to see eye to eye on what's happening after we shuffle off this mortal coil and how it is we come to that post life party. This is a tricky thing sometimes, because you don't always know what your potential mate is into until a little further in the game. And sometimes it's tough to extricate yourself from that situation. I spent a good 2.5 years with someone that I knew in the first 6 months wasn't on my plane, but I fought it with every ounce of my being. I wanted him to be different. I wanted to be a positive influence. All I got was somebody who consistently mocked my faith and made me feel like an idiot. I'm telling you now, it doesn't matter how hot he or she is, if you're "unequally yoked" (to put it Biblically), you're going to have problems. Especially if you want to have kids. Because everybody knows that Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise do not a happy couple make. And nobody wants to be glib about post-partum depression.
2. You think he/she will change. Sure, you can vote for it all you want, but let me let you in on a little secret--people don't change. They may change behaviors temporarily, but they don't change who they are at their core. Sometimes the things you think will change are serious issues, sometimes they're little idiosyncrasies you wish would go away. But they won't. Thousands of people go through a lot of shit in their lives and they either rise above it or they sink down in it. But it's not your choice, it's theirs. And marriage/"a good talk"/promising to do better is not going to make it any different. Those 12 step programs have a little saying--you are always in "recovery." You're never a "used to be an alcoholic." You are always a "recovering alcoholic." Because once you think you have it licked, that's when the beast rears it's ugly head and strikes back ten times more forcefully. Same concept for anything you consider to be a problem-- if you see something that's a red flag now, get it taken care of now and get out. Don't wait until you're sitting around alone and lonely wondering what in the hell happened. I know that sounds a little serious or overbearing, but I'm telling you, even a tiny string can unravel an entire cocktail dress if you pick at it long enough. And nobody wants to end up being the one wearing the Emperor's New Clothes.
3. If you don't trust them, don't date (or marry) them. I don't know how many stories I have heard from people (women mostly) who should be in a Peanuts strip because they are so Snoopy. They hack into emails, social networking accounts, wallets, cell phones, etc etc and then get all upset when they find something they didn't want to see. Well guess what honey? If he had nothing to hide, you wouldn't be looking in the first place, so what are you doing with him? Think about it! Why are you digging around in his personal effects? To find a missing lotto ticket or some gum? NO! You don't trust him. Either he's done something to make you mistrust him, or you're paranoid. Who wants to go through life like that? So quit snooping and move on. Or get some professional assistance for your trust issues. Because you will never rest at night feeling like there's something he's hiding.
4. Naggers and Clingers never win. This is where you have to decide if the 20% of stuff that irks you is worth dealing with 95% of the time. So he doesn't take the garbage out like you asked him, or she doesn't put the dishes in the dishwasher. You know this. It's not news to you. But what do you do? You get in a fight once a week about the effen garbage. That's not what the real issue is, and you know it. So either figure out what your problem is and really address it, or put the dishes in the dishwasher yourself. Nagging is not going to get you anywhere except out on the street on your lovely hiney. Right next to the garbage.
Clinginess can also be a real drag to deal with, and a lot of times it has to do with rule #3. I don't know how many people smother their boyfriend/girlfriend because they don't trust them. If you are constantly suctioned to the side of your inamorata like our old seafaring friend the remora, then you're going to earn the resentment of your significant other if they value their independence even one little iota. Guys like to go out and have drinks with the boys; girls like to get together and drink cosmos and have Pure Romance parties. Let 'em go. I promise they'll come home if they really like you. Just don't go snooping through their stuff when they do.
There's another form of clinginess I'd like to address briefly as well; I call it the "Body Bubble Boundary." If you're anything like me, you're a pretty cuddly person when in private. I enjoy piling up on or crawling under the Snuggie with my significant other while lounging on the couch, and I have been prone to episodes of smoochiness on occasion. But when in public, please, for your own dignity and the digestive health of those around you, keep it clean and keep it in your pants. Holding hands, an arm around the shoulder or waist, fine. Maybe even a light peck on the cheek. The hands in the back pockets, spit bathing one another, and generally icky schmoopiness that's best reserved for a grossly overweight gal and her uber-skinny, bemulleted amour at the fair, NO. Save it for the trailer park folks. You don't want to earn the reputation as one of the worst races in all of intergalactic history: The Clingon.
Alright, that's it for this week folks. Send me your rants, raves, comments, and questions. Happy Dating!
So I entitled this latest post with a tagline from one of my favorite shows, 30 Rock. In the show, Tina Fey is a writer for a sketch comedy show and one of the sketches that has become most popular is one in which Jane Krakowski plays a "relationship expert/talk show host." She advises her guests about matters of the heart and when she recognizes a peccadillo that could be considered a fatal flaw, she bellows "That's a dealbreaker, ladies!" in a grating New Yawk accent. Now, I'm not from the NYC, although I do have a lovely accent I can put on, but I do know a thing or two about deals and how they become irretrievably broken. So in the spirit of the Millionaire Matchmaker meets Tyra Banks, allow me to indulge my ego and share with you a few of the things I feel are dealbreakers all around and those that can be overlooked or tolerated with time. Or as I like to call it, The Great Compromise. Or the 80/20 Rule if you're a Dr. Phil follower. That is to say, 80% of the stuff your significant other does is fine, the other 20% you can get over or deal with or isn't going to end up causing you to scream at the top of your lungs "for the love of GAWD, STOP IT!" I've seen plenty of relationships, some of my own and some of other people's, go down like the Hindenburg because they didn't think it through. So here's my advice. Take it or leave it, but don't say I didn't warn you.
1. Don't get your wagon hitched to someone not on your spiritual level. Now I'm not talking about both of you clearing your aura or having good karma, unless that's your thing, but I'm talking more about religious views (or lack thereof). I happen to be a Christian girl with some pretty strong convictions about certain things, and while I don't expect everyone to agree with me on everything, I do expect the person I share the rest of my life with to have the same basic values and beliefs. I don't care so much that you're a Baptist or a Methodist or Catholic, but we have to see eye to eye on what's happening after we shuffle off this mortal coil and how it is we come to that post life party. This is a tricky thing sometimes, because you don't always know what your potential mate is into until a little further in the game. And sometimes it's tough to extricate yourself from that situation. I spent a good 2.5 years with someone that I knew in the first 6 months wasn't on my plane, but I fought it with every ounce of my being. I wanted him to be different. I wanted to be a positive influence. All I got was somebody who consistently mocked my faith and made me feel like an idiot. I'm telling you now, it doesn't matter how hot he or she is, if you're "unequally yoked" (to put it Biblically), you're going to have problems. Especially if you want to have kids. Because everybody knows that Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise do not a happy couple make. And nobody wants to be glib about post-partum depression.
2. You think he/she will change. Sure, you can vote for it all you want, but let me let you in on a little secret--people don't change. They may change behaviors temporarily, but they don't change who they are at their core. Sometimes the things you think will change are serious issues, sometimes they're little idiosyncrasies you wish would go away. But they won't. Thousands of people go through a lot of shit in their lives and they either rise above it or they sink down in it. But it's not your choice, it's theirs. And marriage/"a good talk"/promising to do better is not going to make it any different. Those 12 step programs have a little saying--you are always in "recovery." You're never a "used to be an alcoholic." You are always a "recovering alcoholic." Because once you think you have it licked, that's when the beast rears it's ugly head and strikes back ten times more forcefully. Same concept for anything you consider to be a problem-- if you see something that's a red flag now, get it taken care of now and get out. Don't wait until you're sitting around alone and lonely wondering what in the hell happened. I know that sounds a little serious or overbearing, but I'm telling you, even a tiny string can unravel an entire cocktail dress if you pick at it long enough. And nobody wants to end up being the one wearing the Emperor's New Clothes.
3. If you don't trust them, don't date (or marry) them. I don't know how many stories I have heard from people (women mostly) who should be in a Peanuts strip because they are so Snoopy. They hack into emails, social networking accounts, wallets, cell phones, etc etc and then get all upset when they find something they didn't want to see. Well guess what honey? If he had nothing to hide, you wouldn't be looking in the first place, so what are you doing with him? Think about it! Why are you digging around in his personal effects? To find a missing lotto ticket or some gum? NO! You don't trust him. Either he's done something to make you mistrust him, or you're paranoid. Who wants to go through life like that? So quit snooping and move on. Or get some professional assistance for your trust issues. Because you will never rest at night feeling like there's something he's hiding.
4. Naggers and Clingers never win. This is where you have to decide if the 20% of stuff that irks you is worth dealing with 95% of the time. So he doesn't take the garbage out like you asked him, or she doesn't put the dishes in the dishwasher. You know this. It's not news to you. But what do you do? You get in a fight once a week about the effen garbage. That's not what the real issue is, and you know it. So either figure out what your problem is and really address it, or put the dishes in the dishwasher yourself. Nagging is not going to get you anywhere except out on the street on your lovely hiney. Right next to the garbage.
Clinginess can also be a real drag to deal with, and a lot of times it has to do with rule #3. I don't know how many people smother their boyfriend/girlfriend because they don't trust them. If you are constantly suctioned to the side of your inamorata like our old seafaring friend the remora, then you're going to earn the resentment of your significant other if they value their independence even one little iota. Guys like to go out and have drinks with the boys; girls like to get together and drink cosmos and have Pure Romance parties. Let 'em go. I promise they'll come home if they really like you. Just don't go snooping through their stuff when they do.
There's another form of clinginess I'd like to address briefly as well; I call it the "Body Bubble Boundary." If you're anything like me, you're a pretty cuddly person when in private. I enjoy piling up on or crawling under the Snuggie with my significant other while lounging on the couch, and I have been prone to episodes of smoochiness on occasion. But when in public, please, for your own dignity and the digestive health of those around you, keep it clean and keep it in your pants. Holding hands, an arm around the shoulder or waist, fine. Maybe even a light peck on the cheek. The hands in the back pockets, spit bathing one another, and generally icky schmoopiness that's best reserved for a grossly overweight gal and her uber-skinny, bemulleted amour at the fair, NO. Save it for the trailer park folks. You don't want to earn the reputation as one of the worst races in all of intergalactic history: The Clingon.
Alright, that's it for this week folks. Send me your rants, raves, comments, and questions. Happy Dating!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp
OK Ya’ll,
So this week I’m going to let you in on a few dating tactics The Big E employs when choosing a suitor. Some of it is just personal preference, some of it is just for practicality’s sake. But I find it makes the dating process, painful as it can be at times, a little more bearable. And I think it’s good advice to boot.
1. Know your limits. Now, I am all for giving it the old Casey Kasem try by attempting to “keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars” as it were, but sometimes you gotta realize that the stars may be out of reach and you’ve got to be happy hanging out in the troposphere. And by that I mean you have to be realistic about what you look like and what your date looks like, and try to stay within the acceptable range of what you can attract. I know, I know, personality counts for a lot, and looks are subjective. And what’s attractive to one person is different than another person. I understand all that, and I’m not saying exceptions don’t occur. But let’s face it: if you don’t see some kind of cute in there initially, it’s going to be a tough row to hoe. It can be a spark, a hint, a variation of hotness, but it has to be there. I have plenty of guy friends who fall into different categories of hotness—one is baby-faced hot, one is quirky hot, one is tall, bald, and hot, etc etc.—but the fact remains that I, and ostensibly other girls, see that brand of hotness. If they are not the least bit cute, then you might think it’s cool to date them for a little while because of the personality, but that will wear thin quickly. Trust me; I’ve been in this situation a few times. I thought to myself, well, he really really likes me, and thinks I’m pretty, and even though I am not attracted to him in the least physically, perhaps his personality can win me over and make up for it. And initially, things were ok. But I either got a wandering eye after a while or I never stopped letting my eye wander, and I knew it wasn’t going to work. The personality did not make up enough for the lack of physical attraction. I mean, I’m no Christie Brinkley, but I’m no Billy Joel either. I am what guys label as “cute” and “funny”, and though I don’t know how far that will get me on any given evening at the bar, I do know my limits. And though I lust after the impossibly hot guys with the chiseled abs a la Paul Walker, I know for a fact that my looks alone would not be enough to bring him over to my table and offer me a drink. So I set my sights a little lower on the hot scale but a little higher on the intelligence scale. I’m cute enough to land somebody in the same category of cuteness or possibly slightly higher, but I never, ever want to settle for anything lower or a “talk myself into it” situation. And you shouldn’t either. Yes, I have dated guys I thought were way too hot to be with me, and yes, I have dated the Billy Joels. I’m happiest when I’m on an even playing field. And I think you will be too. Because the last thing you want people to think, in the immortal words of my mother, is “it MUST be all in her/his pants.”
2. Abide by the rule of two. In a beginning-to-date situation, like a few weeks in or a couple, three dates in, I try to always stick to the “rule of two”—as in, don’t call/text/email more than twice without a return call/text/email. Accidents happen, so the first call/text/email could have not gone through or been deleted or what have you. Sending the second one should give the hint. A third one just makes you look desperate or needy at best, stalkeresque at worst. I actually had this situation happen to me very recently. I was in communiqué with a lad via email that I had met on the dating site, and we had discussed quite a bit in written form, so I figured things were going well. As luck would have it, he ended up having jury duty on a Thursday. He emailed me during break that day, and I emailed him back, offering my phone number if he chose to communicate that way since jury duty is a little restrictive on email privileges. I didn’t hear from him all weekend. So I sent one more email on Monday, just a single sentence “more jury duty today?” email, to test the waters. No reply. So there’s where I left it. He knows where to find me. I gave him two means of communication. If he can’t employ one or the other or both, that’s not my problem. He either changed his mind or died. Either way, I’ve got to find someone new to buy my drinks, so I better get crackin’!
3. Define your boundaries. You need to know what you are and aren’t comfortable with on the first few dates and what your time frame is for certain activities. I personally have set myself a new rule to try not to kiss on the first date, or to not let it get too Hustler too fast at least. I think if the person is worth seeing again, they’ll get over the fact that you didn’t spit-bath them right away. A nice, lips only kiss sends a good message, one that shows you’re a respectable person who’s interested but not trying to push things too far. But if you’re not feeling your date, or you know things are not going in the right direction, don’t pressure yourself or let them pressure you into thinking you have to kiss them. A nice handshake or a hug gets the point across. You’ll save your dignity, and you’ll be glad you don’t have to worry about getting mono. The same principle applies to subsequent situations in dating. You have to decide before it’s too late how far you’re going to go, when. Nothing’s worse than waking up the next morning and thinking, “GAWD! Why did I do that? I didn’t want to do that yet!!” and then feeling awkward. Plus, suspense and anticipation is a powerful dating tool. If you stick to your guns, it’s not only a show of character, but it can act as an aphrodisiac. Let them work for it, ya’ll. Because once you do it, to borrow a phrase from Juno, “it’s one diddle that can’t be undone.”
4. You are your own best editor. I am the kind of person who has “flaws” that are sometimes embarrassing in public. My volume dial goes up to 11, and I tend to drop the F-Bomb like I’m the Enola Gay flying over Hiroshima. But I know this about myself, and therefore have the ability to kick it down a notch when necessary, namely when I’m trying to impress a date. Now I’m not saying you have to be someone you’re not, because that kind of behavior only comes back to bite you in the end, but a little bit of editing on the “areas of improvement” you may have is never a bad thing until you’ve gotten a feel for how your date will react. The last thing you want to do is tell an off-color joke about the very socioeconomic group his/her grandparents belong to, or have him/her employ the back-up plans early because you are a social menace. Everyone wants to be the best-smelling, best-looking, most intelligent version of themselves they can possibly be. And it doesn’t hurt to give someone glimpses of what a fun, exciting, lively date you are. But take your mother’s advice and be on your best behavior until the comfort level gets a little higher. You’ll be glad you did, and you’ll probably get another date out of it.
So that’s it! Let me know what you think, comments, suggestions, rants and raves.
So this week I’m going to let you in on a few dating tactics The Big E employs when choosing a suitor. Some of it is just personal preference, some of it is just for practicality’s sake. But I find it makes the dating process, painful as it can be at times, a little more bearable. And I think it’s good advice to boot.
1. Know your limits. Now, I am all for giving it the old Casey Kasem try by attempting to “keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars” as it were, but sometimes you gotta realize that the stars may be out of reach and you’ve got to be happy hanging out in the troposphere. And by that I mean you have to be realistic about what you look like and what your date looks like, and try to stay within the acceptable range of what you can attract. I know, I know, personality counts for a lot, and looks are subjective. And what’s attractive to one person is different than another person. I understand all that, and I’m not saying exceptions don’t occur. But let’s face it: if you don’t see some kind of cute in there initially, it’s going to be a tough row to hoe. It can be a spark, a hint, a variation of hotness, but it has to be there. I have plenty of guy friends who fall into different categories of hotness—one is baby-faced hot, one is quirky hot, one is tall, bald, and hot, etc etc.—but the fact remains that I, and ostensibly other girls, see that brand of hotness. If they are not the least bit cute, then you might think it’s cool to date them for a little while because of the personality, but that will wear thin quickly. Trust me; I’ve been in this situation a few times. I thought to myself, well, he really really likes me, and thinks I’m pretty, and even though I am not attracted to him in the least physically, perhaps his personality can win me over and make up for it. And initially, things were ok. But I either got a wandering eye after a while or I never stopped letting my eye wander, and I knew it wasn’t going to work. The personality did not make up enough for the lack of physical attraction. I mean, I’m no Christie Brinkley, but I’m no Billy Joel either. I am what guys label as “cute” and “funny”, and though I don’t know how far that will get me on any given evening at the bar, I do know my limits. And though I lust after the impossibly hot guys with the chiseled abs a la Paul Walker, I know for a fact that my looks alone would not be enough to bring him over to my table and offer me a drink. So I set my sights a little lower on the hot scale but a little higher on the intelligence scale. I’m cute enough to land somebody in the same category of cuteness or possibly slightly higher, but I never, ever want to settle for anything lower or a “talk myself into it” situation. And you shouldn’t either. Yes, I have dated guys I thought were way too hot to be with me, and yes, I have dated the Billy Joels. I’m happiest when I’m on an even playing field. And I think you will be too. Because the last thing you want people to think, in the immortal words of my mother, is “it MUST be all in her/his pants.”
2. Abide by the rule of two. In a beginning-to-date situation, like a few weeks in or a couple, three dates in, I try to always stick to the “rule of two”—as in, don’t call/text/email more than twice without a return call/text/email. Accidents happen, so the first call/text/email could have not gone through or been deleted or what have you. Sending the second one should give the hint. A third one just makes you look desperate or needy at best, stalkeresque at worst. I actually had this situation happen to me very recently. I was in communiqué with a lad via email that I had met on the dating site, and we had discussed quite a bit in written form, so I figured things were going well. As luck would have it, he ended up having jury duty on a Thursday. He emailed me during break that day, and I emailed him back, offering my phone number if he chose to communicate that way since jury duty is a little restrictive on email privileges. I didn’t hear from him all weekend. So I sent one more email on Monday, just a single sentence “more jury duty today?” email, to test the waters. No reply. So there’s where I left it. He knows where to find me. I gave him two means of communication. If he can’t employ one or the other or both, that’s not my problem. He either changed his mind or died. Either way, I’ve got to find someone new to buy my drinks, so I better get crackin’!
3. Define your boundaries. You need to know what you are and aren’t comfortable with on the first few dates and what your time frame is for certain activities. I personally have set myself a new rule to try not to kiss on the first date, or to not let it get too Hustler too fast at least. I think if the person is worth seeing again, they’ll get over the fact that you didn’t spit-bath them right away. A nice, lips only kiss sends a good message, one that shows you’re a respectable person who’s interested but not trying to push things too far. But if you’re not feeling your date, or you know things are not going in the right direction, don’t pressure yourself or let them pressure you into thinking you have to kiss them. A nice handshake or a hug gets the point across. You’ll save your dignity, and you’ll be glad you don’t have to worry about getting mono. The same principle applies to subsequent situations in dating. You have to decide before it’s too late how far you’re going to go, when. Nothing’s worse than waking up the next morning and thinking, “GAWD! Why did I do that? I didn’t want to do that yet!!” and then feeling awkward. Plus, suspense and anticipation is a powerful dating tool. If you stick to your guns, it’s not only a show of character, but it can act as an aphrodisiac. Let them work for it, ya’ll. Because once you do it, to borrow a phrase from Juno, “it’s one diddle that can’t be undone.”
4. You are your own best editor. I am the kind of person who has “flaws” that are sometimes embarrassing in public. My volume dial goes up to 11, and I tend to drop the F-Bomb like I’m the Enola Gay flying over Hiroshima. But I know this about myself, and therefore have the ability to kick it down a notch when necessary, namely when I’m trying to impress a date. Now I’m not saying you have to be someone you’re not, because that kind of behavior only comes back to bite you in the end, but a little bit of editing on the “areas of improvement” you may have is never a bad thing until you’ve gotten a feel for how your date will react. The last thing you want to do is tell an off-color joke about the very socioeconomic group his/her grandparents belong to, or have him/her employ the back-up plans early because you are a social menace. Everyone wants to be the best-smelling, best-looking, most intelligent version of themselves they can possibly be. And it doesn’t hurt to give someone glimpses of what a fun, exciting, lively date you are. But take your mother’s advice and be on your best behavior until the comfort level gets a little higher. You’ll be glad you did, and you’ll probably get another date out of it.
So that’s it! Let me know what you think, comments, suggestions, rants and raves.
Monday, May 4, 2009
When You Don't Want To Date...You Just Want A Date For The Evening
OK Ya'll,
So I thought this week's post would be a little rundown of some ideas I had about how to conduct a successful foray into the "date for the evening" category of relationships. I have found over the years that these types of "relationships" are fraught with complications, hurt feelings, and confusion, and it really doesn't have to be that way if you take a few pieces of advice to heart. So I wanted to offer my advice for hooking up Big E Style. Now, this is not a safety or physical advice type of thing, because we all know what those rules are (use birth control, always have money for a cab, take your phone, let someone know where you are, etc.), but rather how to be successful emotionally and mentally. Because that's where the problems start.
1. You MUST compartmentalize. What I mean is, you have to learn to separate feelings from actions. Men are great at this most of the time. Ladies, not so much. I know there are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, guys are really good at disassociating the "feelings" aspect of bumping uglies from the "physical" aspect. They don't get all misty eyed when they finish, they don't sit around analyzing every word that was said, and they certainly don't sit around wondering if she'll ever call again. They just put that experience in the spank bank and call it a day. Scientists call this ability "compartmentalizing," meaning they are able to separate emotion from physical feelings, and apparently men are genetically hardwired to be better at it. So ladies, if you're going to hook up, you're going to have to figure out how to do this or you'll end up a blubbering mess the next time you drink a little too much and regale your local barkeep with sob stories. Learn to take it for what it is: he's cute, you're single and cute, he's been drinking some, you've been drinking some, and your hormones are racing faster than the Top 5 at the Kentucky Derby. Don't get to know him, don't ask him questions about his family, just see him as a hot piece just as down for a good time as you are. The minute you start wondering what your kids will look like is the minute you've gone too far. I'm not saying compartmentalizing is easy; I've fallen prey to attaching emotions where there were none, but I've learned from my mistakes. I've also learned that very, very rarely do flings turn into anything real. I was one of those exceptions; I had a vacation fling that turned into a two and half year relationship. The crux of the matter was I didn't get invested straight out of the gate. I met him on vacation, we had a lovely couple of days together, and then I put him in the "vacation fling" cubby hole in my brain and let it be. I never expected him to call again, and I had a great story to tell my friends when I got home. I even told the girls I vacationed with when they asked me if I thought he would call, "no, he got what he wanted, why would he call?" Just because he did, and because we ended up dating, doesn't mean it will ever happen again. And it doesn't mean it will happen to you. So let your mantra be: "relax and detach."You'll thank me one day.
2. Try to stage the rundown on your turf. I am a big proponent of hooking up where you feel most comfortable, and for me that's my own place. Now, I know there are reasons against this, namely you don't want people to know where you live or you have a roommate or whatever. And sometimes it is fun to get down in a new location or a neutral territory like a friend's house. All I'm saying is, if it's possible, then try to bring them back to your place. For one, you don't have to do the walk of shame the next day. You can simply stay in bed while they fumble around for shoes and accessories that got strewn about in the heat of passion, provided you haven't already gathered their belongings by the front door for convenience and ease of exit. You also have the luxury of not having to sneak out, and as an added bonus the opportunity to kick them out at your leisure rather than waiting on them to politely request that you vamoose. Then you can hightail it to the bathroom and get your business done and take a shower while you compartmentalize.
3. If you go to their place, drive your own car. Sort of a corollary to #2, but I find it easier to make a quick getaway if you have a getaway car. If you don't, you run the risk of being trapped in someone's house for hours until they wake up, or having to call a friend to pick you up and you have no idea where you are, or the worst, having to call a cab and you have no idea where you are. That said, obviously if you've had too much to drink when you're planning your hookup, you need to cab it or get a drop off or have him drive your car to his house. But if you're even close to being lucid enough to drive, hang out for a little longer and tantalize him while sobering up enough to drive to said staging area. You'll be glad you did when it's 6 am and you're ready to crash in your own bed.
4. Be a little discerning about who your chosen victim will be. The gene pool is not as varied in some places as in others, so I realize that you may not have the ability to be a "Jif girl" and be choosy. But at least try to avoid the following categories of folks for hooking up purposes: people who have a crush on you, people you have a crush on, exes, people your friends have dated and are not over yet. If you can narrow it down even a little bit, your chances of A. not causing drama and B. not getting stalked/being a stalker are significantly lessened. Like I said before, feelings are the number one reason hook ups turn into epic fails. If you have any emotional attachments still lingering or unspoken, you're taking a risk. And the only person you hurt is usually yourself. If you simply must choose a friend or acquaintance, the same "no feelings" rule still applies. You have to be sure that you're both cool with hanging out in the group without being awkward. Because there's nothing worse than the scene in Reality Bites right after Lainey and Troy hook up and things are all weird at the club. In the words of Vicki, "sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship." Make sure your pros and cons list is well thought out before you take that leap.
5. Know when to say no. It's like the old saying goes, "friends don't let friends get with lame hookups." If the person has a significant other or a spouse, just say no. If the person is a known player and you find yourself falling prey to his charms, just say no. You'll be one of the very few who probably will. And you'll be glad you did, not only for your emotional well being, but your dignity as well. You have to make things work on your terms, not someone elses, or you'll end up with a bunch of regrets at the end of the day. You have to take control of your situation and know what you're doing. If you're out one night and you feel like hooking up, think about your plan of action. If you're cool with compartmentalizing and making it work, then all signs point to yes. If your gut tells you you're making a mistake, take a hint and just let it go. Like I said, you'll be glad you did.
So that's it folks. Let me know what you think or if you have other suggestions.
So I thought this week's post would be a little rundown of some ideas I had about how to conduct a successful foray into the "date for the evening" category of relationships. I have found over the years that these types of "relationships" are fraught with complications, hurt feelings, and confusion, and it really doesn't have to be that way if you take a few pieces of advice to heart. So I wanted to offer my advice for hooking up Big E Style. Now, this is not a safety or physical advice type of thing, because we all know what those rules are (use birth control, always have money for a cab, take your phone, let someone know where you are, etc.), but rather how to be successful emotionally and mentally. Because that's where the problems start.
1. You MUST compartmentalize. What I mean is, you have to learn to separate feelings from actions. Men are great at this most of the time. Ladies, not so much. I know there are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, guys are really good at disassociating the "feelings" aspect of bumping uglies from the "physical" aspect. They don't get all misty eyed when they finish, they don't sit around analyzing every word that was said, and they certainly don't sit around wondering if she'll ever call again. They just put that experience in the spank bank and call it a day. Scientists call this ability "compartmentalizing," meaning they are able to separate emotion from physical feelings, and apparently men are genetically hardwired to be better at it. So ladies, if you're going to hook up, you're going to have to figure out how to do this or you'll end up a blubbering mess the next time you drink a little too much and regale your local barkeep with sob stories. Learn to take it for what it is: he's cute, you're single and cute, he's been drinking some, you've been drinking some, and your hormones are racing faster than the Top 5 at the Kentucky Derby. Don't get to know him, don't ask him questions about his family, just see him as a hot piece just as down for a good time as you are. The minute you start wondering what your kids will look like is the minute you've gone too far. I'm not saying compartmentalizing is easy; I've fallen prey to attaching emotions where there were none, but I've learned from my mistakes. I've also learned that very, very rarely do flings turn into anything real. I was one of those exceptions; I had a vacation fling that turned into a two and half year relationship. The crux of the matter was I didn't get invested straight out of the gate. I met him on vacation, we had a lovely couple of days together, and then I put him in the "vacation fling" cubby hole in my brain and let it be. I never expected him to call again, and I had a great story to tell my friends when I got home. I even told the girls I vacationed with when they asked me if I thought he would call, "no, he got what he wanted, why would he call?" Just because he did, and because we ended up dating, doesn't mean it will ever happen again. And it doesn't mean it will happen to you. So let your mantra be: "relax and detach."You'll thank me one day.
2. Try to stage the rundown on your turf. I am a big proponent of hooking up where you feel most comfortable, and for me that's my own place. Now, I know there are reasons against this, namely you don't want people to know where you live or you have a roommate or whatever. And sometimes it is fun to get down in a new location or a neutral territory like a friend's house. All I'm saying is, if it's possible, then try to bring them back to your place. For one, you don't have to do the walk of shame the next day. You can simply stay in bed while they fumble around for shoes and accessories that got strewn about in the heat of passion, provided you haven't already gathered their belongings by the front door for convenience and ease of exit. You also have the luxury of not having to sneak out, and as an added bonus the opportunity to kick them out at your leisure rather than waiting on them to politely request that you vamoose. Then you can hightail it to the bathroom and get your business done and take a shower while you compartmentalize.
3. If you go to their place, drive your own car. Sort of a corollary to #2, but I find it easier to make a quick getaway if you have a getaway car. If you don't, you run the risk of being trapped in someone's house for hours until they wake up, or having to call a friend to pick you up and you have no idea where you are, or the worst, having to call a cab and you have no idea where you are. That said, obviously if you've had too much to drink when you're planning your hookup, you need to cab it or get a drop off or have him drive your car to his house. But if you're even close to being lucid enough to drive, hang out for a little longer and tantalize him while sobering up enough to drive to said staging area. You'll be glad you did when it's 6 am and you're ready to crash in your own bed.
4. Be a little discerning about who your chosen victim will be. The gene pool is not as varied in some places as in others, so I realize that you may not have the ability to be a "Jif girl" and be choosy. But at least try to avoid the following categories of folks for hooking up purposes: people who have a crush on you, people you have a crush on, exes, people your friends have dated and are not over yet. If you can narrow it down even a little bit, your chances of A. not causing drama and B. not getting stalked/being a stalker are significantly lessened. Like I said before, feelings are the number one reason hook ups turn into epic fails. If you have any emotional attachments still lingering or unspoken, you're taking a risk. And the only person you hurt is usually yourself. If you simply must choose a friend or acquaintance, the same "no feelings" rule still applies. You have to be sure that you're both cool with hanging out in the group without being awkward. Because there's nothing worse than the scene in Reality Bites right after Lainey and Troy hook up and things are all weird at the club. In the words of Vicki, "sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship." Make sure your pros and cons list is well thought out before you take that leap.
5. Know when to say no. It's like the old saying goes, "friends don't let friends get with lame hookups." If the person has a significant other or a spouse, just say no. If the person is a known player and you find yourself falling prey to his charms, just say no. You'll be one of the very few who probably will. And you'll be glad you did, not only for your emotional well being, but your dignity as well. You have to make things work on your terms, not someone elses, or you'll end up with a bunch of regrets at the end of the day. You have to take control of your situation and know what you're doing. If you're out one night and you feel like hooking up, think about your plan of action. If you're cool with compartmentalizing and making it work, then all signs point to yes. If your gut tells you you're making a mistake, take a hint and just let it go. Like I said, you'll be glad you did.
So that's it folks. Let me know what you think or if you have other suggestions.
Monday, April 27, 2009
When Stating the Obvious is Just Too Much
OK Y'all,
So I thought today's post would be a little something for everyone. I recently saw the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" which was adapted from a book by the same name which was written by a guy who coined the term as a writer for Sex and The City. I thought the movie was pretty good, and honestly I thought it should be a primer for every single girl who enters the dating pool. Instead of sex ed in seventh grade, a completely useless exercise in the futility of making teenagers harness their raging hormones long enough to understand WHY humping your girlfriend's leg is far superior to being an after-school special caveat, they should have "Dating 101"starting in fifth grade. Would have saved The Big E much torment and heartache as a young girl with a yen for wrestlers, I'll tell you that much.
Anyhoosle, I thought I would compose my own list of "signs he's just not that into you" for the gals and "signs she's just not that into you" for the fellas. Some of this comes from personal experience. OK, pretty much all of it comes from personal experience. And I also think that in addition to being "not into" someone, I would add in "signs that his/her interest is fading faster than Bruce Willis' hair line in the 90's" because sometimes you don't get the boom lowered on you until it's a little later in the game. So without further ado...
"Signs that He's Just Not That Into You...or Into You Anymore"
1. When you call or text him, he always returns your call or text when you are unavailable. Trust me girls, a guy is not totally clueless. If he's paying even a little bit of attention, he knows when you're supposed to be around and when you're not. The occasional phone tag is to be expected, no one can get to the phone every single time. But when there's a pattern of, "everytime he calls me back, it's after 11 pm" and your bed time is 10, or "he always texts me when I'm at work" and you don't work at a job where you can talk or text during the day, then I'm sorry sweetie, he's not feeling it. Don't make excuses. He's not so busy that he can't make an effort to reach you when you're available or better yet, lucid. He just doesn't care.
2. His gifts become increasingly practical or unromantic. Now, before you go all batshit on me, guys, let me explain. I know that men are not the best gift pickers sometimes. And I know that a lot of the time, it's because women are not the best hint givers. Ladies, do your boyfriend/husband/whatever a favor and TELL him OUTRIGHT what you want for your birthday/anniversary/christmas. I sent my last boyfriend links to the items I wanted from the Victoria's Secret catalog online, complete with size and color preference. And guess what? I got what I wanted for Christmas. It really is that easy. Guys won't complain, and you'll be glad you told him what to get you instead of suffering through yet another argument as to why he can't read your damn mind. BUT, that said, if he starts out gangbusters and really does a good job and then a year or two in starts getting you gift cards to Best Buy or flip flops as a birthday gift when he used to get you flowers and a trip to New York and Company, something's up. I mean, what smart, fun, attractive girl gets flip flops as a birthday gift when they don't come as a precursor to a package deal to Sandals? One that's on her way out, that's who.
3. He tries to get out and you won't let him. If your boyfriend/husband/whatever starts acting shady, it's completely within your rights to ask him why. I'm not talking about him being a little secretive right around your birthday, because there could be an awesome trip to Sandals and/or a surprise party. I'm talking doesn't call when he says he will, breaks plans or stands you up completely at the last minute, starts hanging out with much younger or completely different people type of stuff. And if you call him on the carpet and he starts spouting off some existential bullshit about having a quarter-life or mid-life or I don't have a life crisis, calmly roll out the rest of that carpet and send him packing right down the middle of it. You, hot mama, don't need to beg, plead, or otherwise humiliate yourself by trying to make him change his mind and want to stay. At best, you're guilting him into staying and prolonging the inevitable kiss off even longer. At worst, you'll move on and be happier without that schmuck in your life. Trust me, it only took The Big E three months of begging, pleading, and humiliation to be strung along and ultimately completely blindsided when the boy she was in love with ended up getting engaged and moving in with another woman, all while telling Big E that he "just needed to figure some things out, but I love you and want to be with you as soon as I do." Hard lesson to learn, yes. One I will have to learn again? HELL NO. If he gets over it and comes crawling back, it's up to you. But I'd think twice before putting myself through THAT again.
4. He only dates you after hours, or at your house. Ladies, this may seem like an obvious one, but if he's taking you to out of the way places at an hour when you should be in bed, there's something up. Same rule applies if he only wants to come over to your place, and you've never ever been to his place, or it was one time on a random week night and he acted nervous. I had a very handsome "friend" who would call me up, usually on a Monday, and want to play "music trivia" at his house at like, 9 o'clock. Alone. Why? because his wife was traveling out of town for her job and that was the only time he could see me after his 6 month old baby was asleep. Shady, shady, shady. I went the first time because he made it seem like other people would be there. Then I realized the jig was up, and I have politely excused myself since.
5. He doesn't introduce you to friends or family. This is a corollary to #4 more or less. If he's even the least bit interested in a future with you, he'll want you to meet his friends. His friends are an extension of his family, and in many cases, could be closer to him than family. If he constantly makes excuses as to why you can't meet them or don't want to meet them, he either doesn't have any friends whatsoever, OR he's not feeling it. Same applies for the family. If you've been going out for a while and he won't take you to meet the 'rents, you've got a problem. Namely, he's not feeling it. This applies even to long distance relationships. If he wants you, he will go out of his way to make things happen. Everyone's timeline is different, but if you feel it in your gut that something's not right, then go with it. If it's been a year and you have no idea who his friends or family are, then GET OUT.
"Signs She's Just Not That Into You...or Into You Anymore"
1. She wears sweatpants almost exclusively...even out to dinner. Guys, if your lady is anything like The Big E, she wants to impress you and wants you to be proud to have her on your arm. She will buy a new outfit, which you will probably not even notice, because she wants to look good for her. It would help if you would compliment her when she looks nice, even if it's a run of the mill dinner out, because it does make her feel better, and it could possibly get you laid. In any event, if the nice outfits start dwindling, or if her appearance gets to be more "slatternly" than "flattering," you may want to take stock. Five'll getcha ten, she's not taking the time because her interest is waning or she's feeling taken for granted. Now, on weekends and in the evenings, everyone has to put on their "wallerin' jammies" and lay on the couch some. But if it's every day, all day, take a temp check. She might be running a little low.
2. She doesn't give you her number, just her email address. As a dating site member, I can email potential suitors through their email client. After the exchange of information has reached an acceptable timbre (meaning I don't think you're a psycho and I might be interested in letting you purchase me a drink), I'll either ask for the gentleman's phone number or offer mine. Those who do not get such an invitation are those I don't deem worthy of The Big E's physical presence. So take that as a hint, fellas.
3. She's constantly busy, to the point of not having a spare moment. Especially not for you. Now, there are people out there who lead quite challenging and time-consuming lives, and they have perhaps over-extended themselves on the social calendar. But if they really feel you're worth it, they'll squeeze you in. Drinks, dinner, breakfast, whatever--they'll try their best to find the time to see you. If not, you can probably safely assume that they feel their time is better spent over-extending themselves and not extending invitations to you. Take a hint and just let it go, man.
4. Physical contact is at a minimum. Now I'm not talking about people who have been dating for a while and perhaps the ardor has cooled off enough to let you actually get to know the real them. I'm talking about the first few dates or so. If a girl likes you, she will subconsicously find little ways to touch you. Not like grabbing your crotch or licking your face (though that has been known to convey interest quite effectively), but subtle things like touching your arm when she is telling a story or standing closer to you at the bar so that you brush against her when someone tries to walk past you. If she's not exhibiting any kind of contact, or if her body language is closed off (legs and arms crossed, not making a lot of eye contact, etc.), or if she shakes your hand at the end of the date rather than hugging you, then it's probably time to hang it up and call it a day. Trust me, if we're feeling it, we will--we will--touch you!
5. She picks on you about everything. I have to say this is probably a big fault of mine. When I am not into someone, I pick on every little thing that's wrong with them. It doesn't matter if it's major or minor, I will hone in on it like a fat kid at the buffet. And I tell them every single thing I find wrong. Many, many times. Yes, it's rude and demeaning, and yes, I know it's really a horrible way to treat someone because I would hate to be treated that way myself. I didn't say I was perfect, and I didn't say it was the right thing to do. But if your girl is anything like me, she's just looking for a way out. So give her one.
Alright, that's it folks! Let me know your thoughts or comments!
So I thought today's post would be a little something for everyone. I recently saw the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" which was adapted from a book by the same name which was written by a guy who coined the term as a writer for Sex and The City. I thought the movie was pretty good, and honestly I thought it should be a primer for every single girl who enters the dating pool. Instead of sex ed in seventh grade, a completely useless exercise in the futility of making teenagers harness their raging hormones long enough to understand WHY humping your girlfriend's leg is far superior to being an after-school special caveat, they should have "Dating 101"starting in fifth grade. Would have saved The Big E much torment and heartache as a young girl with a yen for wrestlers, I'll tell you that much.
Anyhoosle, I thought I would compose my own list of "signs he's just not that into you" for the gals and "signs she's just not that into you" for the fellas. Some of this comes from personal experience. OK, pretty much all of it comes from personal experience. And I also think that in addition to being "not into" someone, I would add in "signs that his/her interest is fading faster than Bruce Willis' hair line in the 90's" because sometimes you don't get the boom lowered on you until it's a little later in the game. So without further ado...
"Signs that He's Just Not That Into You...or Into You Anymore"
1. When you call or text him, he always returns your call or text when you are unavailable. Trust me girls, a guy is not totally clueless. If he's paying even a little bit of attention, he knows when you're supposed to be around and when you're not. The occasional phone tag is to be expected, no one can get to the phone every single time. But when there's a pattern of, "everytime he calls me back, it's after 11 pm" and your bed time is 10, or "he always texts me when I'm at work" and you don't work at a job where you can talk or text during the day, then I'm sorry sweetie, he's not feeling it. Don't make excuses. He's not so busy that he can't make an effort to reach you when you're available or better yet, lucid. He just doesn't care.
2. His gifts become increasingly practical or unromantic. Now, before you go all batshit on me, guys, let me explain. I know that men are not the best gift pickers sometimes. And I know that a lot of the time, it's because women are not the best hint givers. Ladies, do your boyfriend/husband/whatever a favor and TELL him OUTRIGHT what you want for your birthday/anniversary/christmas. I sent my last boyfriend links to the items I wanted from the Victoria's Secret catalog online, complete with size and color preference. And guess what? I got what I wanted for Christmas. It really is that easy. Guys won't complain, and you'll be glad you told him what to get you instead of suffering through yet another argument as to why he can't read your damn mind. BUT, that said, if he starts out gangbusters and really does a good job and then a year or two in starts getting you gift cards to Best Buy or flip flops as a birthday gift when he used to get you flowers and a trip to New York and Company, something's up. I mean, what smart, fun, attractive girl gets flip flops as a birthday gift when they don't come as a precursor to a package deal to Sandals? One that's on her way out, that's who.
3. He tries to get out and you won't let him. If your boyfriend/husband/whatever starts acting shady, it's completely within your rights to ask him why. I'm not talking about him being a little secretive right around your birthday, because there could be an awesome trip to Sandals and/or a surprise party. I'm talking doesn't call when he says he will, breaks plans or stands you up completely at the last minute, starts hanging out with much younger or completely different people type of stuff. And if you call him on the carpet and he starts spouting off some existential bullshit about having a quarter-life or mid-life or I don't have a life crisis, calmly roll out the rest of that carpet and send him packing right down the middle of it. You, hot mama, don't need to beg, plead, or otherwise humiliate yourself by trying to make him change his mind and want to stay. At best, you're guilting him into staying and prolonging the inevitable kiss off even longer. At worst, you'll move on and be happier without that schmuck in your life. Trust me, it only took The Big E three months of begging, pleading, and humiliation to be strung along and ultimately completely blindsided when the boy she was in love with ended up getting engaged and moving in with another woman, all while telling Big E that he "just needed to figure some things out, but I love you and want to be with you as soon as I do." Hard lesson to learn, yes. One I will have to learn again? HELL NO. If he gets over it and comes crawling back, it's up to you. But I'd think twice before putting myself through THAT again.
4. He only dates you after hours, or at your house. Ladies, this may seem like an obvious one, but if he's taking you to out of the way places at an hour when you should be in bed, there's something up. Same rule applies if he only wants to come over to your place, and you've never ever been to his place, or it was one time on a random week night and he acted nervous. I had a very handsome "friend" who would call me up, usually on a Monday, and want to play "music trivia" at his house at like, 9 o'clock. Alone. Why? because his wife was traveling out of town for her job and that was the only time he could see me after his 6 month old baby was asleep. Shady, shady, shady. I went the first time because he made it seem like other people would be there. Then I realized the jig was up, and I have politely excused myself since.
5. He doesn't introduce you to friends or family. This is a corollary to #4 more or less. If he's even the least bit interested in a future with you, he'll want you to meet his friends. His friends are an extension of his family, and in many cases, could be closer to him than family. If he constantly makes excuses as to why you can't meet them or don't want to meet them, he either doesn't have any friends whatsoever, OR he's not feeling it. Same applies for the family. If you've been going out for a while and he won't take you to meet the 'rents, you've got a problem. Namely, he's not feeling it. This applies even to long distance relationships. If he wants you, he will go out of his way to make things happen. Everyone's timeline is different, but if you feel it in your gut that something's not right, then go with it. If it's been a year and you have no idea who his friends or family are, then GET OUT.
"Signs She's Just Not That Into You...or Into You Anymore"
1. She wears sweatpants almost exclusively...even out to dinner. Guys, if your lady is anything like The Big E, she wants to impress you and wants you to be proud to have her on your arm. She will buy a new outfit, which you will probably not even notice, because she wants to look good for her. It would help if you would compliment her when she looks nice, even if it's a run of the mill dinner out, because it does make her feel better, and it could possibly get you laid. In any event, if the nice outfits start dwindling, or if her appearance gets to be more "slatternly" than "flattering," you may want to take stock. Five'll getcha ten, she's not taking the time because her interest is waning or she's feeling taken for granted. Now, on weekends and in the evenings, everyone has to put on their "wallerin' jammies" and lay on the couch some. But if it's every day, all day, take a temp check. She might be running a little low.
2. She doesn't give you her number, just her email address. As a dating site member, I can email potential suitors through their email client. After the exchange of information has reached an acceptable timbre (meaning I don't think you're a psycho and I might be interested in letting you purchase me a drink), I'll either ask for the gentleman's phone number or offer mine. Those who do not get such an invitation are those I don't deem worthy of The Big E's physical presence. So take that as a hint, fellas.
3. She's constantly busy, to the point of not having a spare moment. Especially not for you. Now, there are people out there who lead quite challenging and time-consuming lives, and they have perhaps over-extended themselves on the social calendar. But if they really feel you're worth it, they'll squeeze you in. Drinks, dinner, breakfast, whatever--they'll try their best to find the time to see you. If not, you can probably safely assume that they feel their time is better spent over-extending themselves and not extending invitations to you. Take a hint and just let it go, man.
4. Physical contact is at a minimum. Now I'm not talking about people who have been dating for a while and perhaps the ardor has cooled off enough to let you actually get to know the real them. I'm talking about the first few dates or so. If a girl likes you, she will subconsicously find little ways to touch you. Not like grabbing your crotch or licking your face (though that has been known to convey interest quite effectively), but subtle things like touching your arm when she is telling a story or standing closer to you at the bar so that you brush against her when someone tries to walk past you. If she's not exhibiting any kind of contact, or if her body language is closed off (legs and arms crossed, not making a lot of eye contact, etc.), or if she shakes your hand at the end of the date rather than hugging you, then it's probably time to hang it up and call it a day. Trust me, if we're feeling it, we will--we will--touch you!
5. She picks on you about everything. I have to say this is probably a big fault of mine. When I am not into someone, I pick on every little thing that's wrong with them. It doesn't matter if it's major or minor, I will hone in on it like a fat kid at the buffet. And I tell them every single thing I find wrong. Many, many times. Yes, it's rude and demeaning, and yes, I know it's really a horrible way to treat someone because I would hate to be treated that way myself. I didn't say I was perfect, and I didn't say it was the right thing to do. But if your girl is anything like me, she's just looking for a way out. So give her one.
Alright, that's it folks! Let me know your thoughts or comments!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
What Not To Wear...Or Ever, Ever Do While Dating
OK Ya'll,
so I thought I would write a blog that really shouldn't need to be written. But unfortunately, some people in this world, though they are adults, don't seem to act like it on a date or in the process of trying to date someone. Or don't seem to act like an adult with any common sense, I should say. Hell, I'd take a step out there and say they don't even act like sentient beings half the time. In light of that fact, I'll now regale you with another list of, along with the story behind, many things that have been the undoing of many a poor soul who dared cross the line of acceptability when attempting to date The Big E. Hitch up your shorts and set a spell, this one's a doozy.
1. Don't play your perv card too early. There's a time and place for everything. Even the Bible tells me so. The time to ask your lady companion to hike up her dress and let you look at her in nothing but her leggings is not on the third date, however. Let me back up and tell you about the situation. I went out a couple of times with this guy, we'll call him The Pervinator. First date was fine, dinner and a movie, nothing out of the ordinary. Second date, dinner and then a movie at my house. Now, gentle reader, normally The Big E does not condone inviting a gentleman caller to your home until you have established a higher level of comfort. You always meet the gentleman at your preferred dining establishment, and you always make back up plans, especially on the first date. In this case, and I know this may come as a shock to many of you, I felt somewhat pressured into inviting him over. He seemed to be indirectly hinting toward it, and though I was not 100% comfortable, I invited him anyway. Again, nothing extraordinary, just watched a movie and a kiss goodnight. Third date was a whole other story. This chap lived a fair piece down the road, and The Big E is not averse to traveling for a quality date. But when Cracker Barrel is the nicest place in town for dinner and then you have to travel a minimum of 30 minutes back up off the interstate to get to BFE where your house is, I think I may have to reconsider my travel per diem and save it for a pint of Ben and Jerry's and some High Life. Again, though, Big E felt a little bit pressured to go so she did against her better judgment. And that's when it hit the fan. For starters, his house was dirty. You don't entertain ladies in your bachelor pad with shit strewn all over every available surface. If you don't know how to clean, call your momma to come help. Then he crossed the line.
Strike 1 was when he kept pulling me over on him without provocation, trying to make out with me, saying things like "Give me some love, let's make out, etc etc" to which The Big E said, "no, I'm trying to watch Idol. Back up off me, fool."
Strike 2 was Pervinator's repeated requests to go into his bedroom and lie down to watch television, to which Big E replied "uh, no, I'm not lying in your bed when I barely even know you. Back up off me, fool." As if the refusal to make out would be remedied by a duvet.
Strike 3 was just enough straw to bring this camel's spinal column to a tragic end. Right before I left, Pervinator says to me "why don't you pull your dress up and let me look at you in just your leggings?" Now keep in mind, Big E was clad in a super cute jumper-turtleneck-leggings ensemble with heels, and I am irresistibly cute, but nevertheless...you don't go there. Not on the third date, not without alcohol, and not without prior indication from Big E that asking that type of question may be apropos. Needless to say, none of the aforementioned conditions were met. Big E was aghast and incredulous at such a request and politely declined. The next day, our friend The Pervinator got walking papers via text, and his response was thus: "I didn't force you to do anything." Who the fuck are you--Kobe Bryant? Seriously. Good riddance to bad rubbish, and let that be a lesson to all of you not to play the perv card before it's time and you have express written permission.
2. Don't be an Indian Giver. I recently received an email from a potential suitor from the dating site I'm on, and he looked somewhat promising. The only caveat was that he listed "yes, and they live away from home" in the "got kids?" dept. Big E is not kid-friendly as I've mentioned before, but I'll at least make friends with you for a free drink. After a few email exchanges, the Potential Suitor asks Big E if she'd like to have a drink. I said yes, when is a good time for you, PS? And he emails back a place, time, and description of the vehicle he is driving. On second examination, he then sends another email entitled "Ugh, I hate doing this!" that reads "After I made plans with you, I re-read your profile and I don't think we'll be a good match!" To which I replied "Alrighty then. Good luck and read more carefully next time." What am I supposed to say? That was A. rude and B. in poor taste. I'm glad I didn't get three dates in and start showing off my leggings before he pulled the plug, though.
3. Pay for her drinks, especially if you have a skin condition. The Big E recently met up with another interested party from the online arena at a local dining establishment to have a few cocktails and adult conversation. We'll call this interested party The Cortizone King. Now, in CK's profile and email exchanges, he seemed somewhat intelligent and friendly. What he failed to mention, and I'm not really sure how one would, is that he is covered in a lovely little dermatological issue called eczema. And not just a minor patch here or there that could be remedied by wearing sleeves, but full on face neck arms and hands eczema. Being the complete heartless bitch that I am on the inside, I cringed internally and tried not to stare whilst wrestling with the kind and caring persona I was trying to radiate externally. I thought perhaps multiple libations would help me become more kind, caring, and tolerant. Eight beers in, I had to use my back up option and politely inform my date that I simply must be going because I couldn't take it anymore. It was either hightail it out of there, or start making not-so-freudian slips regarding his epidermis. So what did he do while I excused myself to the restroom? He asked for the check. Separate checks. As in, The Big E sat here for 2.5 hours listening to you talk about Keith Sweat and scratch your crusty self and you can't even buy her two for one Miller Lites? Weak. A friend of mine suggested perhaps he was saving his money to buy Cortizone 10. I told my friend he was going to need a lot more than the $20 it cost for my bar tab.
4. Don't act like your shit doesn't stink. The day after the Eczematic Express rolled on through the station, The Big E had a drink meeting with another candidate for her affection. This bloke looked to be a fun time, had a witty profile, and exhibited a few interesting topics in the email exchange. He was not what you would call a "Dash Riprock" in the Looks Department, but he seemed to be one of those that personality can upgrade. Oh, how quickly the barometer changed. Big E met him at a downtown pub, and upon exchanging pleasantries, launched into the witty banter she's known for. What she gleaned from the responses from her date was that Knoxville is basically the biggest piece of shit place he's ever been and UTK is the biggest piece of shit school he's ever attended. So he automatically earned the moniker "Smuggy Smuggerson." SS proceeded to yammer on about how much better other places he had been were in comparison to our fair burg. I wanted to look at him and say, "You're from FLORIDA for fuck's sake! Nobody thinks anything about Florida is cool except the Golden Girls!" Needless to say, Big E failed to see the superiority of his company and quickly threw his credentials in the Ol' File 13. At least he paid for my drinks.
So, that's just a few little pieces of advice I've got to offer to all you in Datesylvania. Like I said, it's unfortunate that I would even have to dole out such suggestions, but there are those out there who don't seem to grasp the concept of "put your best foot forward," probably because said foot is firmly lodged in their mouth. It's also a cautionary tale in case you were perhaps questioning your dating behavior. Caveat Emptor, friends, and Happy Dating!
so I thought I would write a blog that really shouldn't need to be written. But unfortunately, some people in this world, though they are adults, don't seem to act like it on a date or in the process of trying to date someone. Or don't seem to act like an adult with any common sense, I should say. Hell, I'd take a step out there and say they don't even act like sentient beings half the time. In light of that fact, I'll now regale you with another list of, along with the story behind, many things that have been the undoing of many a poor soul who dared cross the line of acceptability when attempting to date The Big E. Hitch up your shorts and set a spell, this one's a doozy.
1. Don't play your perv card too early. There's a time and place for everything. Even the Bible tells me so. The time to ask your lady companion to hike up her dress and let you look at her in nothing but her leggings is not on the third date, however. Let me back up and tell you about the situation. I went out a couple of times with this guy, we'll call him The Pervinator. First date was fine, dinner and a movie, nothing out of the ordinary. Second date, dinner and then a movie at my house. Now, gentle reader, normally The Big E does not condone inviting a gentleman caller to your home until you have established a higher level of comfort. You always meet the gentleman at your preferred dining establishment, and you always make back up plans, especially on the first date. In this case, and I know this may come as a shock to many of you, I felt somewhat pressured into inviting him over. He seemed to be indirectly hinting toward it, and though I was not 100% comfortable, I invited him anyway. Again, nothing extraordinary, just watched a movie and a kiss goodnight. Third date was a whole other story. This chap lived a fair piece down the road, and The Big E is not averse to traveling for a quality date. But when Cracker Barrel is the nicest place in town for dinner and then you have to travel a minimum of 30 minutes back up off the interstate to get to BFE where your house is, I think I may have to reconsider my travel per diem and save it for a pint of Ben and Jerry's and some High Life. Again, though, Big E felt a little bit pressured to go so she did against her better judgment. And that's when it hit the fan. For starters, his house was dirty. You don't entertain ladies in your bachelor pad with shit strewn all over every available surface. If you don't know how to clean, call your momma to come help. Then he crossed the line.
Strike 1 was when he kept pulling me over on him without provocation, trying to make out with me, saying things like "Give me some love, let's make out, etc etc" to which The Big E said, "no, I'm trying to watch Idol. Back up off me, fool."
Strike 2 was Pervinator's repeated requests to go into his bedroom and lie down to watch television, to which Big E replied "uh, no, I'm not lying in your bed when I barely even know you. Back up off me, fool." As if the refusal to make out would be remedied by a duvet.
Strike 3 was just enough straw to bring this camel's spinal column to a tragic end. Right before I left, Pervinator says to me "why don't you pull your dress up and let me look at you in just your leggings?" Now keep in mind, Big E was clad in a super cute jumper-turtleneck-leggings ensemble with heels, and I am irresistibly cute, but nevertheless...you don't go there. Not on the third date, not without alcohol, and not without prior indication from Big E that asking that type of question may be apropos. Needless to say, none of the aforementioned conditions were met. Big E was aghast and incredulous at such a request and politely declined. The next day, our friend The Pervinator got walking papers via text, and his response was thus: "I didn't force you to do anything." Who the fuck are you--Kobe Bryant? Seriously. Good riddance to bad rubbish, and let that be a lesson to all of you not to play the perv card before it's time and you have express written permission.
2. Don't be an Indian Giver. I recently received an email from a potential suitor from the dating site I'm on, and he looked somewhat promising. The only caveat was that he listed "yes, and they live away from home" in the "got kids?" dept. Big E is not kid-friendly as I've mentioned before, but I'll at least make friends with you for a free drink. After a few email exchanges, the Potential Suitor asks Big E if she'd like to have a drink. I said yes, when is a good time for you, PS? And he emails back a place, time, and description of the vehicle he is driving. On second examination, he then sends another email entitled "Ugh, I hate doing this!" that reads "After I made plans with you, I re-read your profile and I don't think we'll be a good match!" To which I replied "Alrighty then. Good luck and read more carefully next time." What am I supposed to say? That was A. rude and B. in poor taste. I'm glad I didn't get three dates in and start showing off my leggings before he pulled the plug, though.
3. Pay for her drinks, especially if you have a skin condition. The Big E recently met up with another interested party from the online arena at a local dining establishment to have a few cocktails and adult conversation. We'll call this interested party The Cortizone King. Now, in CK's profile and email exchanges, he seemed somewhat intelligent and friendly. What he failed to mention, and I'm not really sure how one would, is that he is covered in a lovely little dermatological issue called eczema. And not just a minor patch here or there that could be remedied by wearing sleeves, but full on face neck arms and hands eczema. Being the complete heartless bitch that I am on the inside, I cringed internally and tried not to stare whilst wrestling with the kind and caring persona I was trying to radiate externally. I thought perhaps multiple libations would help me become more kind, caring, and tolerant. Eight beers in, I had to use my back up option and politely inform my date that I simply must be going because I couldn't take it anymore. It was either hightail it out of there, or start making not-so-freudian slips regarding his epidermis. So what did he do while I excused myself to the restroom? He asked for the check. Separate checks. As in, The Big E sat here for 2.5 hours listening to you talk about Keith Sweat and scratch your crusty self and you can't even buy her two for one Miller Lites? Weak. A friend of mine suggested perhaps he was saving his money to buy Cortizone 10. I told my friend he was going to need a lot more than the $20 it cost for my bar tab.
4. Don't act like your shit doesn't stink. The day after the Eczematic Express rolled on through the station, The Big E had a drink meeting with another candidate for her affection. This bloke looked to be a fun time, had a witty profile, and exhibited a few interesting topics in the email exchange. He was not what you would call a "Dash Riprock" in the Looks Department, but he seemed to be one of those that personality can upgrade. Oh, how quickly the barometer changed. Big E met him at a downtown pub, and upon exchanging pleasantries, launched into the witty banter she's known for. What she gleaned from the responses from her date was that Knoxville is basically the biggest piece of shit place he's ever been and UTK is the biggest piece of shit school he's ever attended. So he automatically earned the moniker "Smuggy Smuggerson." SS proceeded to yammer on about how much better other places he had been were in comparison to our fair burg. I wanted to look at him and say, "You're from FLORIDA for fuck's sake! Nobody thinks anything about Florida is cool except the Golden Girls!" Needless to say, Big E failed to see the superiority of his company and quickly threw his credentials in the Ol' File 13. At least he paid for my drinks.
So, that's just a few little pieces of advice I've got to offer to all you in Datesylvania. Like I said, it's unfortunate that I would even have to dole out such suggestions, but there are those out there who don't seem to grasp the concept of "put your best foot forward," probably because said foot is firmly lodged in their mouth. It's also a cautionary tale in case you were perhaps questioning your dating behavior. Caveat Emptor, friends, and Happy Dating!
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Unbearable Lightness of Being...On a Date
OK Ya'll,
So while I was out testing the waters of the gene pool yet again this weekend, it occurred to me that there are two things absolutely necessary to get through most situations in life, but particularly a new date: a bottle of wine and a good sense of humor. Obviously the wine helps unleash the sense of humor some people are hiding; it can also intensify the one you already have on display. But a sense of humor, not just yours but your date's, is essential for getting past the awkward "Hey, howyadoin'?" introductory jitters and also for taking subsequent awkward situations in stride. I was pleased that my date this weekend thought to offer me both the wine and the good humor. It goes a little something like this....
We met up at Tomato Head for some din-din and conversation. For those of you who have never been to Tomato Head, it is an eclectic little joint that offers tasty food and some pretty decent hippie watching. We were surrounded by no less than three tables of mixed sexual orientation in the 2 hours we were there! One guy looked like Jimmy Buffett, if Jimmy Buffett were being played by Richard Simmons in a made-for-Lifetime-movie. Good stuff.
Anyhooser, the Tomato Head also has artwork festooning their otherwise drab beige walls, and sometimes this artwork is tasteful, sometimes it is complete and utter swill. The particular selection gracing our table fell into the latter category. I took a picture of it with my camera phone, so it's not the best but you can get the gist of it above. I asked my date what he thought the craptastic paint-by-numbers job that we were forced to endure was supposed to be, and together we came up with the following ideas:
1. Randy Owen (the lead singer from Alabama) has a bad manicure and has just busted in on Neo from the Matrix and they're getting ready to duke it out Industrial Light and Magic style.
2. Randy Owen is a werewolf, inexplicably topless but managing to keep on dark denim (so 2 years ago) and is trying to intimidate a disheveled, cardigan-clad Mexican vampire named Luis.
3. Randy Owen and Luis the Mexican vampire are possibly homosexuals and are having a techno dance party, but you can't see the disco ball because it's outside the frame of reference of the picture, though their hands are raised as if they are already sweating to some raunchy Pet Shop Boys remix.
Any other thoughts or suggestions are welcome.
I have no doubt that the bottle of wine being 3/4 gone had a lot to do with the level of participation, but I will have to give the boy props for going along with the madness that is the Mind of The Big E. It's not every day you have a date willing to indulge your sardonic critique of some poor schmuck's ridiculously elementary artwork. Even I know you've got to draw some sort of shadowing beneath a person's feet in a painting or they look like they're levitating. Get serious. And the sad part is, this child wanted $250 for that piece of shit. I wouldn't walk from here to my front door (around 30 feet) to pick it up off the sidewalk for free. But I digress.
I really appreciated my date for being so jovial and willing to go along with me. I also really appreciated that he provided a lovely bottled libation that appealed to my epicurean side while being a participant in our MOMA moment. It was cultured and crass at the same time, which is increasingly hard to find these days. So my advice to you, gentle reader, is this: I would encourage those of you out there who are more or less quirky like me to just let it all hang out. If your date jumps in with both feet and provides more color commentary, fantastique! If not, I'd politely let him pick up the check and then feign an illness or at the very least have backup plans post-date so you don't have to lie. I always make back-up plans with friends, just in case. You never know when you're going to have a stage 5 clinger on your hands or you've got to make a quick getaway because Mr. Diarrhea of the Mouth has just told you all about his quest for the perfect remedy for his raging case of eczema. Or on the off chance that you end up liking the person, you can always invite them along so they can get a sense of what you're like in your natural habitat. It's a win-win most of the time. So, happy dating, and leave me a comment if you want!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
