OK Ya'll,
So this week I thought I'd share with you my story of my Worst First Date Ever. I even wrote a song about it (to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"):
Let me tell ya a lil' story
Bout a girl named E
Had her worst first date
With a guy named Jeremy
Halfway through he started acting like a clod
And poor ol' E had to pray this phrase to God
"Never again, what've I done"
And so on and so forth...feel free to send me your additional verses.
The story goes like this: Big E and her pal Raquel and Raquel's sister Auds were out at the local Honky Tonk on a Thursday night, having as much fun as we could with our boots on, and as luck would have it, one of Big E's favorite activities was afoot--karaoke! Now for those of you who don't know, I am somewhat of a phenomenon when it comes to singing a wide variety of karaoke favorites, and I've even had requests for my renditions of "Wanted Dead or Alive" and "Let 'Er Rip." So of course on this particular evening in question, Big E was lettin it rip on the stage, taking no prisoners and showing everyone who's boss (NOT Tony Danza!) with her stellar performance of "If I Could Turn Back Time." There were a few chaps about, none of whom were of any consequence to our lovely group because they were either old, unhygienic, or poorly educated in etiquette regarding how to compliment a lady. However, after a brief intermission in the top notch crooning session, a few lads moseyed on over to the area and one signed up for a song. In this particular establishment, it's not uncommon for the fellers to dazzle us with their rap skills with either a "Baby Got Back" or "Cowboy" throwdown, but this guy was different--he signed up to sing Vertical Horizon of all things. And he wasn't half bad. My girlfriends immediately took notice and decided I should chat up this bloke, and sure enough the chatting commenced soon enough. I found out his name was Jeremy, and he seemed a nice enough guy. I gave him my number and soon found out why he was still single.
Jeremy came to pick up Big E at her condo, which nowadays I highly discourage on a first date because you have no idea if this dude is a serial killer who might chop you up and stuff you in a mattress like drug money. But as this was quite a few years ago and Big E had not developed her Spidey-sense completely, it happened. Anyhoosle, Jeremy takes Big E out for dinner and then out to a local libationery hall. Dinner was fine, we had a nice chat and he still seemed to be on the up and up. I seem to remember he was adopted, which could explain a lot, but the libations apparently were the catalyst for his clod-like behavior. Again, I don't encourage the imbibification of too many beverages on the first date, if for nothing else but to remember how ridiculously bad it was so you'll never do that again. But, indulge I did. My date, however, indulged a bit more than I did, and halfway through the date proceeds to try and start kissing my face while he sways unsteadily like a hammock in a stiff breeze. I have a firm rule about "handsiness" and he broke it all to hell in one fell swoop. I did my best to position myself out of his reach, and suggested perhaps we go elsewhere. He wanted to take me over to his friend's apartment to what he called a "party." I thought, "great, a chance to meet new people and put some distance between us while socializing."
This alleged "party" turned out to be his friend, friend's brother, and some other random guy. I seriously thought I might have just walked into a potential gang rape. As uncomfortable as it was, Big E is nothing if not sociable, and so tried to engage the friend's brother in conversation. Unfortunately, my topic of choice was the crucifix hanging above the entryway. I asked if they were Catholic, just because one generally does not hang a crucifix above one's doorway unless one is either Catholic or Madonna, and FB replied in the affirmative and asked me what I was. Now, Big E is a confirmed Christian, but I do not like labels of religions like Baptist, Methodist, etc. because I feel "religion" is a bunch of man's rules for God, when it ought to be the other way around. So I tell FB that I'm a non-denominational Christian. I went to a non-denominational church before my family moved to where we are now, and although I go to a Baptist church, I do not think of myself as such.
The proverbial shit proceeded to hit the proverbial fan right about then, because FB then says to me, "sooooo you're confused is what your telling me." To say that I was immediately infuriated is the understatement of the century. There's a couple things you don't mess with when it comes to Big E, and Christianity is one of them. Family and my makeup are the others, but that's another story. I did the Ghetto Fabulous neck whip with one eyebrow raised and said, "Excuse me? I most certainly did NOT say I was confused, nor did I IMPLY that I was confused. I think YOURE the one who's confused here, Bubba." And so ensued the requisite argument over the meaning of Christianity while holding a beer in one hand and making a fist with the other. I spouted off Bible verses I hadn't remembered since 3rd grade Sunday School (thanks, Mrs. Dot and Mrs. Boots!) and unleashed fiery vengeance upon FB's head. He finally tired of my intellectual and moral diatribe and let it rest. Wise of him, I'll say. Jeremy, however, was not so wise, because not once did he offer to defend or defuse. I understand that the Big E can be a force to be reckoned with when provoked, but as a first date etiquette, the proper thing to do would be to ask FB to can it before he ruined it all for future outings. Too bad Jeremy didn't get that memo.
I asked Jeremy to squire me home shortly after, but not before I spilled an entire mixed drink all over the couch. Suck it, Friend's Brother!
The trip home was made up of Jeremy apologizing for his doltish acquantaince and me ranting further about THE NERVE OF THAT GUY! and what have you. I was very quickly tiring of Jeremy's company, not only because of his handsiness at the bar, but because of his lack of chivalry with ol' Age of Enlightenment at the erstwhile "party." And just when I thought I was about to escape the torture...
Jeremy insists on walking me to the door. It's 5 feet away, but somehow seems to be The Green Mile. I forced myself to hug him and thanked him for the evening, and he got back in his car. And I heard a clicking noise coming from under the hood...then nothing. His battery was dead. Aaaaand it was the middle of winter, aaaand he had no cell phone, aaaand I have no jumper cables. I let him in to call a tow truck, and while he waited, he got the bright idea that it would be perfectly acceptable to foist himself upon me and try to kiss me. And before I knew it, I was literally pinned to the couch with this cretan probing my mouth with his horrible tongue. It was disgusting--cold, wormy, and utterly reprehensible on all counts. I rebuffed him and used every bit of strength I had to push him as far away as I could, and informed him that he would be most welcome to wait in his car for the tow truck as I was D-U-N done with him. I didn't give a shit if it was 12 degrees outside, and I didn't give a shit if he had to wait 6 hours for a truck to arrive, all I wanted was him out of my house and out of my life. And to go use some mouthwash. I promptly locked the door and went upstairs to bed and only bothered to make sure he was gone when I woke up the next morning. And after I breathed a sigh of relief to see an empty parking spot, I told myself: Never again will I allow some inappropriately amorous troglodyte with morally argumentative friends take me out on a date involving unhealthy amounts of alcohol. And, friends, I would advise you to learn from my lesson and do the same.
Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Send me your rants, raves, comments, and questions!
Showing posts with label frogs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frogs. Show all posts
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp
OK Ya’ll,
So this week I’m going to let you in on a few dating tactics The Big E employs when choosing a suitor. Some of it is just personal preference, some of it is just for practicality’s sake. But I find it makes the dating process, painful as it can be at times, a little more bearable. And I think it’s good advice to boot.
1. Know your limits. Now, I am all for giving it the old Casey Kasem try by attempting to “keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars” as it were, but sometimes you gotta realize that the stars may be out of reach and you’ve got to be happy hanging out in the troposphere. And by that I mean you have to be realistic about what you look like and what your date looks like, and try to stay within the acceptable range of what you can attract. I know, I know, personality counts for a lot, and looks are subjective. And what’s attractive to one person is different than another person. I understand all that, and I’m not saying exceptions don’t occur. But let’s face it: if you don’t see some kind of cute in there initially, it’s going to be a tough row to hoe. It can be a spark, a hint, a variation of hotness, but it has to be there. I have plenty of guy friends who fall into different categories of hotness—one is baby-faced hot, one is quirky hot, one is tall, bald, and hot, etc etc.—but the fact remains that I, and ostensibly other girls, see that brand of hotness. If they are not the least bit cute, then you might think it’s cool to date them for a little while because of the personality, but that will wear thin quickly. Trust me; I’ve been in this situation a few times. I thought to myself, well, he really really likes me, and thinks I’m pretty, and even though I am not attracted to him in the least physically, perhaps his personality can win me over and make up for it. And initially, things were ok. But I either got a wandering eye after a while or I never stopped letting my eye wander, and I knew it wasn’t going to work. The personality did not make up enough for the lack of physical attraction. I mean, I’m no Christie Brinkley, but I’m no Billy Joel either. I am what guys label as “cute” and “funny”, and though I don’t know how far that will get me on any given evening at the bar, I do know my limits. And though I lust after the impossibly hot guys with the chiseled abs a la Paul Walker, I know for a fact that my looks alone would not be enough to bring him over to my table and offer me a drink. So I set my sights a little lower on the hot scale but a little higher on the intelligence scale. I’m cute enough to land somebody in the same category of cuteness or possibly slightly higher, but I never, ever want to settle for anything lower or a “talk myself into it” situation. And you shouldn’t either. Yes, I have dated guys I thought were way too hot to be with me, and yes, I have dated the Billy Joels. I’m happiest when I’m on an even playing field. And I think you will be too. Because the last thing you want people to think, in the immortal words of my mother, is “it MUST be all in her/his pants.”
2. Abide by the rule of two. In a beginning-to-date situation, like a few weeks in or a couple, three dates in, I try to always stick to the “rule of two”—as in, don’t call/text/email more than twice without a return call/text/email. Accidents happen, so the first call/text/email could have not gone through or been deleted or what have you. Sending the second one should give the hint. A third one just makes you look desperate or needy at best, stalkeresque at worst. I actually had this situation happen to me very recently. I was in communiqué with a lad via email that I had met on the dating site, and we had discussed quite a bit in written form, so I figured things were going well. As luck would have it, he ended up having jury duty on a Thursday. He emailed me during break that day, and I emailed him back, offering my phone number if he chose to communicate that way since jury duty is a little restrictive on email privileges. I didn’t hear from him all weekend. So I sent one more email on Monday, just a single sentence “more jury duty today?” email, to test the waters. No reply. So there’s where I left it. He knows where to find me. I gave him two means of communication. If he can’t employ one or the other or both, that’s not my problem. He either changed his mind or died. Either way, I’ve got to find someone new to buy my drinks, so I better get crackin’!
3. Define your boundaries. You need to know what you are and aren’t comfortable with on the first few dates and what your time frame is for certain activities. I personally have set myself a new rule to try not to kiss on the first date, or to not let it get too Hustler too fast at least. I think if the person is worth seeing again, they’ll get over the fact that you didn’t spit-bath them right away. A nice, lips only kiss sends a good message, one that shows you’re a respectable person who’s interested but not trying to push things too far. But if you’re not feeling your date, or you know things are not going in the right direction, don’t pressure yourself or let them pressure you into thinking you have to kiss them. A nice handshake or a hug gets the point across. You’ll save your dignity, and you’ll be glad you don’t have to worry about getting mono. The same principle applies to subsequent situations in dating. You have to decide before it’s too late how far you’re going to go, when. Nothing’s worse than waking up the next morning and thinking, “GAWD! Why did I do that? I didn’t want to do that yet!!” and then feeling awkward. Plus, suspense and anticipation is a powerful dating tool. If you stick to your guns, it’s not only a show of character, but it can act as an aphrodisiac. Let them work for it, ya’ll. Because once you do it, to borrow a phrase from Juno, “it’s one diddle that can’t be undone.”
4. You are your own best editor. I am the kind of person who has “flaws” that are sometimes embarrassing in public. My volume dial goes up to 11, and I tend to drop the F-Bomb like I’m the Enola Gay flying over Hiroshima. But I know this about myself, and therefore have the ability to kick it down a notch when necessary, namely when I’m trying to impress a date. Now I’m not saying you have to be someone you’re not, because that kind of behavior only comes back to bite you in the end, but a little bit of editing on the “areas of improvement” you may have is never a bad thing until you’ve gotten a feel for how your date will react. The last thing you want to do is tell an off-color joke about the very socioeconomic group his/her grandparents belong to, or have him/her employ the back-up plans early because you are a social menace. Everyone wants to be the best-smelling, best-looking, most intelligent version of themselves they can possibly be. And it doesn’t hurt to give someone glimpses of what a fun, exciting, lively date you are. But take your mother’s advice and be on your best behavior until the comfort level gets a little higher. You’ll be glad you did, and you’ll probably get another date out of it.
So that’s it! Let me know what you think, comments, suggestions, rants and raves.
So this week I’m going to let you in on a few dating tactics The Big E employs when choosing a suitor. Some of it is just personal preference, some of it is just for practicality’s sake. But I find it makes the dating process, painful as it can be at times, a little more bearable. And I think it’s good advice to boot.
1. Know your limits. Now, I am all for giving it the old Casey Kasem try by attempting to “keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars” as it were, but sometimes you gotta realize that the stars may be out of reach and you’ve got to be happy hanging out in the troposphere. And by that I mean you have to be realistic about what you look like and what your date looks like, and try to stay within the acceptable range of what you can attract. I know, I know, personality counts for a lot, and looks are subjective. And what’s attractive to one person is different than another person. I understand all that, and I’m not saying exceptions don’t occur. But let’s face it: if you don’t see some kind of cute in there initially, it’s going to be a tough row to hoe. It can be a spark, a hint, a variation of hotness, but it has to be there. I have plenty of guy friends who fall into different categories of hotness—one is baby-faced hot, one is quirky hot, one is tall, bald, and hot, etc etc.—but the fact remains that I, and ostensibly other girls, see that brand of hotness. If they are not the least bit cute, then you might think it’s cool to date them for a little while because of the personality, but that will wear thin quickly. Trust me; I’ve been in this situation a few times. I thought to myself, well, he really really likes me, and thinks I’m pretty, and even though I am not attracted to him in the least physically, perhaps his personality can win me over and make up for it. And initially, things were ok. But I either got a wandering eye after a while or I never stopped letting my eye wander, and I knew it wasn’t going to work. The personality did not make up enough for the lack of physical attraction. I mean, I’m no Christie Brinkley, but I’m no Billy Joel either. I am what guys label as “cute” and “funny”, and though I don’t know how far that will get me on any given evening at the bar, I do know my limits. And though I lust after the impossibly hot guys with the chiseled abs a la Paul Walker, I know for a fact that my looks alone would not be enough to bring him over to my table and offer me a drink. So I set my sights a little lower on the hot scale but a little higher on the intelligence scale. I’m cute enough to land somebody in the same category of cuteness or possibly slightly higher, but I never, ever want to settle for anything lower or a “talk myself into it” situation. And you shouldn’t either. Yes, I have dated guys I thought were way too hot to be with me, and yes, I have dated the Billy Joels. I’m happiest when I’m on an even playing field. And I think you will be too. Because the last thing you want people to think, in the immortal words of my mother, is “it MUST be all in her/his pants.”
2. Abide by the rule of two. In a beginning-to-date situation, like a few weeks in or a couple, three dates in, I try to always stick to the “rule of two”—as in, don’t call/text/email more than twice without a return call/text/email. Accidents happen, so the first call/text/email could have not gone through or been deleted or what have you. Sending the second one should give the hint. A third one just makes you look desperate or needy at best, stalkeresque at worst. I actually had this situation happen to me very recently. I was in communiqué with a lad via email that I had met on the dating site, and we had discussed quite a bit in written form, so I figured things were going well. As luck would have it, he ended up having jury duty on a Thursday. He emailed me during break that day, and I emailed him back, offering my phone number if he chose to communicate that way since jury duty is a little restrictive on email privileges. I didn’t hear from him all weekend. So I sent one more email on Monday, just a single sentence “more jury duty today?” email, to test the waters. No reply. So there’s where I left it. He knows where to find me. I gave him two means of communication. If he can’t employ one or the other or both, that’s not my problem. He either changed his mind or died. Either way, I’ve got to find someone new to buy my drinks, so I better get crackin’!
3. Define your boundaries. You need to know what you are and aren’t comfortable with on the first few dates and what your time frame is for certain activities. I personally have set myself a new rule to try not to kiss on the first date, or to not let it get too Hustler too fast at least. I think if the person is worth seeing again, they’ll get over the fact that you didn’t spit-bath them right away. A nice, lips only kiss sends a good message, one that shows you’re a respectable person who’s interested but not trying to push things too far. But if you’re not feeling your date, or you know things are not going in the right direction, don’t pressure yourself or let them pressure you into thinking you have to kiss them. A nice handshake or a hug gets the point across. You’ll save your dignity, and you’ll be glad you don’t have to worry about getting mono. The same principle applies to subsequent situations in dating. You have to decide before it’s too late how far you’re going to go, when. Nothing’s worse than waking up the next morning and thinking, “GAWD! Why did I do that? I didn’t want to do that yet!!” and then feeling awkward. Plus, suspense and anticipation is a powerful dating tool. If you stick to your guns, it’s not only a show of character, but it can act as an aphrodisiac. Let them work for it, ya’ll. Because once you do it, to borrow a phrase from Juno, “it’s one diddle that can’t be undone.”
4. You are your own best editor. I am the kind of person who has “flaws” that are sometimes embarrassing in public. My volume dial goes up to 11, and I tend to drop the F-Bomb like I’m the Enola Gay flying over Hiroshima. But I know this about myself, and therefore have the ability to kick it down a notch when necessary, namely when I’m trying to impress a date. Now I’m not saying you have to be someone you’re not, because that kind of behavior only comes back to bite you in the end, but a little bit of editing on the “areas of improvement” you may have is never a bad thing until you’ve gotten a feel for how your date will react. The last thing you want to do is tell an off-color joke about the very socioeconomic group his/her grandparents belong to, or have him/her employ the back-up plans early because you are a social menace. Everyone wants to be the best-smelling, best-looking, most intelligent version of themselves they can possibly be. And it doesn’t hurt to give someone glimpses of what a fun, exciting, lively date you are. But take your mother’s advice and be on your best behavior until the comfort level gets a little higher. You’ll be glad you did, and you’ll probably get another date out of it.
So that’s it! Let me know what you think, comments, suggestions, rants and raves.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Inaugural Blog
Hey Ya'll! Welcome to the inaugural Frog Blog, the blog I have created to share my dating experiences, advice, and words of wisdom. Because we all know that to get to your Prince (not the Purple One, but the man of yo' dreams!), you gotta kiss a lotta frogs. And let me tell you, some of those frogs are the worst kissers in the world, or they have zero bedside manner, or they don't even get to the kiss because they're ridiculously weird. I know that if I've been through it, you've probably been through it too, so I thought it might be fun to share some of those crazy stories so you don't feel so bad for thinking "WTF is wrong with this dude?" or worse, "WTF is wrong with ME?"
So let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a SWF with an attitude. I have been called funny, and sometimes bitchy, and I put them together to create the image that is The Big E. Sarcasm is probably my most endearing and most polarizing quality. I'm a caring person, and a giving person, but I'm also a princess and I'm proud. I have realized over the years that you can be ready to settle down, but you should never settle. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and hiding my feelings on anything is usually an exercise in futility. This works for and against me at times, especially in relationships. I have pretty high standards, both for myself and others. I have been called "Napoleon" for being stringent in those standards (and also for being short), but I find that my diminuitive stature and unwavering hard-headedness have served me well. However, it hasn't stopped me from going out with a bunch of dudes that were all wrong for me, and it hasn't kept me from getting my heart broken or my feelings hurt. Nobody's perfect.
That said, I hope you enjoy my blog, and please feel free to comment and send me email with your stories, questions, or nuggets of wisdom.
So let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a SWF with an attitude. I have been called funny, and sometimes bitchy, and I put them together to create the image that is The Big E. Sarcasm is probably my most endearing and most polarizing quality. I'm a caring person, and a giving person, but I'm also a princess and I'm proud. I have realized over the years that you can be ready to settle down, but you should never settle. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and hiding my feelings on anything is usually an exercise in futility. This works for and against me at times, especially in relationships. I have pretty high standards, both for myself and others. I have been called "Napoleon" for being stringent in those standards (and also for being short), but I find that my diminuitive stature and unwavering hard-headedness have served me well. However, it hasn't stopped me from going out with a bunch of dudes that were all wrong for me, and it hasn't kept me from getting my heart broken or my feelings hurt. Nobody's perfect.
That said, I hope you enjoy my blog, and please feel free to comment and send me email with your stories, questions, or nuggets of wisdom.
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