Cool It Now

OK Y’all,
So I just read this article online about a guy who is willing to donate half his salary as a gift to a charity of your choice, if—and here’s the kicker—you are a lady of age 18-49 who is willing to marry this chump. Yes, you read that right…he’s breaking the cardinal rule of the Beatles and trying to use money to buy love. This fellow has a blogger site just like I have here, and he has posted 38 reasons why single women should love him but don’t. Let me just give you a few examples of these ‘reasons’ and you can tell me what you think after I tell you what I think (Granted, many of these reasons are meant to be tongue in cheek, but I find it a fatally flawed approach on several levels. I like humor as much as the next girl, but this guy is not funny, he’s just sad).
1. He says he has bad skin so he will ‘grow a beard for you.’ I understand that everyone gets a zit now and again, and some get them more than others. But you do not, I repeat DO NOT, need to advertise this fact if you are trying to attract ladies. Even if you think it is funny and disarmingly honest, I am here to tell you it is TMI and you will not profit from it. Guaranteed the first thing any gal is thinking when she reads that lil tidbit is, OMG this dude is a walking Proactiv before picture—Abort! Abort! Chicks don’t want to sit and think about all your grody comedogenic issues and reminding girls about it is certainly not helping your case. In this instance, being self-deprecating is not winning you any points, it’s just grossing out your potential mates who would have otherwise not even noticed or chosen to overlook your dermatological maladies.
2. He says he has never had a girlfriend, ever. Now, this fellow is 38 years old, and he looks a lot like Andy Torres on Cougar Town. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look it up. Seriously, do it now. I’ll wait…..ok, great. Now, I’m sure there is a segment of the female population who digs that look. I am not one of them, but there is somebody for everybody. He has tried multiple methods of procuring a date, including online dating, and has done some stupid things for women he was interested in. So I therefore find it a bit odd that he would not have at least dated a girl here and there for a month or two until she opened the medicine cabinet and found all of his Clean and Clear products. But, assuming that he is not trying to be humorous and he really hasn’t had a lady companion, I have to imagine the sole reason for that is a little thing we call Desperation. Chicks can smell it on you a mile away, just like dudes can. Best case scenario you might get someone to take advantage of your pathetic situation and throw you a pity lay here and there, but if you’re serious about acquiring the company of a honest to god woman, you can’t come off as even slightly desperate. Women like self confident men; guys who could give two shits if they have a date on Friday night as long as there is a sporting event and beer nearby. Women like to feel as if you have chosen their company over all others, not like they are being trailed by a stalker who has nothing going for them.
3. He took a picture of himself without a shirt on and then makes fun of how hairy and chunky he is. Again, I cannot reiterate this enough, WE GET IT. I have dated plenty of guys who were not exactly Dash Riprock in the physical fitness department and I had absolutely no problem with it. In fact, I like my dudes a little chunky. And I am not Miss America either. I have ‘problem areas’ that I could work on. But I am also not willingly posting photos of said areas and telling men that I have more to love. I sometimes get caught in photos during the summer in my swimsuit and that is mortifying enough. So keep it covered, buddy. Any self respecting gal is not going to look at that photo and think, ‘wow, what I really need is an acne riddled Wookiee in my life to keep me company.’
Those are just a few of the reasons he gives, and there are many more. Some are very heartfelt, like his penchant for rescuing animals and being reliable. But if you are trying to present yourself in the best light possible, some things are best left to the imagination, or at least to the third date. There is such a thing as being too honest and too self-deprecating. It makes you look like you have zero self-esteem, and that is not attractive. Calling yourself “Handsome Paul” and saying such things doesn’t help either.
Ok, that’s all I’ve got—give me your thoughts, rants, raves, comments. Just don’t tell me about your skin care regimen.

We Should Mate...uh...I mean, date

OK Ya'll,
So here recently I signed up for a dating site, just to see what's out there and what kind of ego boost The Big E could get. I'd been on this particular site a few years back, right before I met the King of Shitty Ex-Boyfriends, aka El Douchebag, and I thought I'd check it out again. My previous experience did not yield very good results--I'd gone out with a couple of guys, but nothing worked out. One guy was too young and naive and therefore I felt bad corrupting his pure, white soul, and another guy was decent but short, and unfortunately all his other appendages were as disappointingly as short as he was. So much so that I had resorted to watching tv during the act so both of us could at least feel something somewhere.
Recent experience has not been much better. I signed up sometime around the first of this year, for a 3 month stint in cyberdating and all the accoutrements thereof. I took the time to carefully craft a witty yet intriguing profile best suited to my strengths--namely, sarcasm, devastatingly gorgeous photos, and a smattering of above-average vocabulary skills. As was to be expected in my first few days, I had a couple of takers right off the bat. One who ended up meeting another girl and thus becoming a friend, one who I actually went out with. I'll tell you all about THAT debacle in a later post. Suffice it to say he's not getting another date with Big E. Rather, I'd prefer a restraining order, or at least a thorough psychological evaluation by said dating site before I'd unleash him on the rest of the unsuspecting XX chromosomes out there. I've been on a few more dates with a few more unremarkable fellas since then, and I've actually got another date this weekend. But I digress.
The point of telling you all this is not to brag about my exploits, but rather to inform you of a few pointers that I'd like to share regarding profiles. I highly encourage those of you who are interested in a good laugh and maybe even a guffaw or two to check out a dating site, because entertainment value alone is worth the time you take to create a profile and post it up for the world to see. If you're even halfway serious at all, however, please take into account the following "tips and tricks" The Big E wants to share with you to make your foray into cybersex the best it can be.
1. Men (and I would say ladies too!! *clawing eyes out*) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not post photos of yourself with no shirt on. I don't care if you're Paul Walker or Paul Giamatti--nobody wants to see that!! It's not funny, endearing, or even remotely sexy, so just don't. If for no one else's sake but your dignity's.
2. DO NOT TYPE YOUR WHOLE PROFILE IN ALL CAPS. I know where the caps lock button is, and I know how to gently reach over with my pinky and tap it so that it is not on all the time. The girl who actually takes the time to look at the sad representation of your life in 2000 words or less will thank you, and so will her optometrist, for saving the eyestrain.
3. Conversely, do not type your entire profile in all lower case. And please, for the love of Zeus, use punctuation! I cannot tell you how many profiles I have seen that look like this:
i like to go snowboarding skiing golfing and anything outdoors i am laid back and fun i like to go to the movies...
and so on. Do yourself a favor and familiarize yourself with the Shift key and those lovely little buttons right next to the 'm' on your keyboard. Spelling, not to mention grammar, is important as well. I understand the occasional typo, but for Pete's sake, it is "your" meaning it belongs to you and "you're" to contract the words 'you are.' And 'too' means in addition, or as well as, like "I'd like to date you, too, GoodGrammarGuy29!"; 'to' means going somewhere, or to set off a phrase prepositionally as a modifier, like "I'm going to have to delete you from my favorites, IdiotALLCAPSGuy14".
4. Help a sister out and try to come up with something original to say. There are at least 3 out of 5 profiles I read on a daily basis that start with "I'm a laid-back, fun loving guy who is down to earth.." or "I hate talking about myself on here! What am I supposed to say?"
Well for starters you could say you don't have an original bone in your body and you are probably just as shitty to talk to in person as you are on your 2000 word or less profile. The most read profiles are the ones that grab your attention in the first sentence or two. So in the words of Chaka Khan, tell me something good. Tell me about the coolest place you've ever been. Tell me the craziest thing you've ever done for love. Tell me something besides how effing laid back you are. Because that gets you a little red 'x' for delete faster than anything.
5. DO NOT tell people that your ex-girlfriend is crazy or that you just got out of a really long relationship!! I read one profile that literally said this "well ive been divorced twice and had one broken engagement.." ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS? NO self respecting girl is going to hitch her caboose to that train wreck. You might as well pack up that moonshine still and head on back to your trailer, Jeb, 'cuz there ain't nobody out there fer ya like yer sister.
6. Have an eye-catching headline that's not so ridiculously overdone that it's lame. If I have to read "Insert Headline Here" or "Hi Ladies!" one more time, I think I will have to get a new motherboard because mine will be fried from vomitous explosion. What about a line from your favorite movie (as long as it's not "Hello, Clarice" or something you watched on your favorite porn channel recently) or a nice quote from your favorite book (assuming you know how to read)? Nobody said you have to be Shakespeare, but do try to put some thought into it.

So that's about all I have to say about creating a dating profile worth reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments though!